Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals

Is proud to introduce its new celebrity spokesperson

Ex-Gay RICKY MARTIN
Newly heterosexual Ricky Martin engaging in a typical red-blooded, heterosexual American male pastime: A giggly afternoon at a West Hollywood salon for even more kicky highlights
After many years prancing about South Beach, arm-in-arm (to understate body-part entanglements for the sake of Christian civility) with unrepentant homosexuals, Ricky Martin has announced to the world that he is now 100% heterosexual! Praise the Lord! Ricky joins Kevin Spacey, Sean Hayes and Barry Diller as strident celebrity alumni of Mrs. Betty Bowers world-renowned Ex-Gay Ministry, proving that the homosexual lifestyle is simply a choice – made by your publicist!
Ex-Gay Ricky Martin uses the suggestive "penis push" Latin dance craze in an attempt to recruit our new president into the decadent gay circuit party scene. Fortunately, Mrs. Bush Sr. intervened before things go out of hand saying: "I've kept an eagle eye on George ever since he told me he wanted to be a cheerleader."
"Truly, I wish I could credit Ricky's sudden and rather radical transformation entirely to the Lord," admitted a candid and lovely Mrs. Bowers at a BASH press conference. "But we are also seeing another phenomenon at play here." Mrs. Bowers was alluding to a 5-year study by the BASH "Stop Being A Damned Fag" Institute for Christian Studies. The study conclusively found a direct correlation between record sales and sexual orientation. "Just look at that harlot Madonna," pointed out Mrs. Bowers to a packed pressroom. "When her CDs sold a lot – you know, back before she had all that cosmetic surgery to look like Heather Locklear from a speeding car – she was brazenly flaunting the fact that she was a lesbian! Now, her CDs are met with tepid sales and the tramp is married! Truly, the Lord's work through commercialism is not limited to Pat Robertson!"
Gay Ricky Martin while his first CD was selling well:
Ex-Gay Ricky Martin while his second CD was tanking:
"My mom goes to the beauty parlor and sexuality and homosexuality should not be a problem for anybody. I think that sexuality is something that each individual should deal with in their own way. And that's all I have to say about that. ... Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to express, the rumors. But, Barbara, for some reason, I just don't feel like it [saying what my sexual orientation is]. You know, it's, it's something so mine. I give it all when I'm on stage. I give it all in interviews, but you've got to keep something for yourself sometimes, and that's for me."
"If I were gay, why not admit it? I am a normal man. I love women and sex. I am a real hot-blooded Puerto Rican, but have never been attracted by sex with a man."