AMERICA: Please stop putting stick figures on the backs of your cars to advertise your family’s size. It’s a rather crass thing to be competitive over and, let’s be honest, neither you nor your wife have looked like a stick figure in twenty years. World War II pilots’ bragged about deaths with bombs stenciled on the fuselage and now you brag about births with a gawky drawing for every household sperm that hits an egg. Are we supposed to be impressed that you can peel off a decal, but can’t unroll a condom? “My Family is Bigger Than Yours!!!!” Honestly, let’s just concede that unattractive honor to Michelle “My Vagina is Vulgar Gimmick” Duggar and leave the back window for its intended purpose – making sure you see my uncluttered Mercedes when it overtakes your tackily tricked out SUV. Besides, you’re just going to have to scrape them off when you get divorced and lose custody. This is your last warning: Next month, I start adding stick figures for all the men/women you slept with behind your stick-figure spouse’s back. Now, that’s going to be a busy back window! Praise God!
Fortunately, the messy killing of your own child did not catch on as a Good Friday tradition. Instead, Good Friday is now a time when all loving parents look for creative ways to partake in a fabulous Christian tradition: Scaring the crap out of young children with a pornographically detailed account of Jesus’ gruesome death. Well, have I got a yummy recipe for that!
Instead of a casserole, bring Bible tracts when you visit your vile, hell-bound families this Thanksgiving! “The Missing Day” teaches us that: (1) The Lord helped the Pilgrims steal food from Indians; (2) The Lord then took all the credit from the Indians (who spoke perfect English) who feed them; and, most important, (3) A Thanksgiving host should always tell his dinner guests that they are all going straight to Hell (preferably before dessert)! Glory!
Saint Coco once observed: “Luxury is not the opposite of poverty. It is the opposite of vulgarity.” Had Miss Chanel stuck around to witness recent town hall meetings in America, she would have emphatically concluded that this country is in desperate need of some luxury. Code Bleu! Honestly, such a shocking parade of nasty, angry, vulgar people! The very people who not only didn’t mind, but cheered, when our big government got even bigger by slapping several trillion dollars on a Chinese VISA card, all for a vanity war, are now seething over spending a fraction of that amount on the frivolity of keeping Americans alive.
Apparently, after consulting Jesus (“What would you do, say, if you thought all your own socialistic teachings were garbage, Lord?”), they realized it is more important to spend money we don’t have to keep foreigners dead than to keep Americans alive. Now, it’s not for me to question what Jesus told them because, well frankly, He says a lot of things, much of which He doesn’t even mean (one hopes), but I do know that He never told them dress like that! In any event, an exasperated Jesus doodled the following graphic after several days of apoplectic prayers from His agitated, vulgar flock:
