THE NO SIN ZONE

Those reckless people in the media, with their nefarious truth-fetish, are saying the most deplorably unkind things about Sarah Palin and the charming ambition that drives her to say whatever she thinks will “work:”

When John McCain constantly refers to himself as a “Maverick,” I assume he means a cheap, poorly put-together, domestic car that had its best days 30 years ago. Otherwise, I’m embarrassed for him. After all, self-deprecatory automotive analogies are endearing. Gerald Ford once momentarily won America’s (fickle) heart by telling her that he was a Ford not a Lincoln.

But when McCain introduces himself as a maverick, he doesn’t sound as if he is being folksy or humble. No, it always comes across as awkward bragging. “Hi, I’m a real maverick!” It’s very odd, and a bit unseemly. Good taste – and sanity – require waiting for someone else to compliment or define you. It would be as if Barrack Obama constantly greeted people by saying, “Hi, I’m a great public speaker!” Or Mitt Romney walking into a room with a swagger and said, “My name is Mitt and I have really great hair!”

And does the word maverick have any worth or meaning when it is used compulsively and proactively? Aren’t such people (and horses) supposed to eschew canned predictability for whimsical impulse? Could a genuine maverick tell you how he will act for the next eight years? No, because you’re a maverick when you naturally follow your impulses. When you self-consciously call yourself a “maverick” because the word tests well with your base, you aren’t a maverick; you are a preening poser.

And you have done what no true maverick would countenance: allowed yourself to be defined by one word, a word that is little more than an advertising slogan. But when you think of yourself as simply merchandise to be sold, rather than an individual with ideas, you sell yourself, rather than your ideas. Every comment is aimed at moving product, not the conversation or voters.

Nowhere is this seen more uncomfortably than in the unseemly way McCain mechanically, and very cynically, calls upon his rather stale status as a POW. This biographic opportunism has gotten so perfunctory — so predictable — it has become just another marketing gimmick, like pretending the country comes first when every strategy and remark reveals that only winning holds such an urgent priority. And, if you’ll pardon the Evelyn Waughism, it’s rather cringe-making to listen to someone relentlessly regale you with his amazing bravery. There are reasons why you are expected to let other people (in this case, well paid political prostitutes) say such things. Otherwise, you come across as crazy or, worse, crass.

It comes down to manners and common sense. And those are things that John McCain, a rude, ill-tempered serial-adulterer, is too much of a war-scared maverick to have. Maybe he is selling an old heap of junk after all.

Have you seen the cozy little ads on TV by The American Petroleum Institute, the lobbying arm of Big Oil?  They feature a Meredith Viera wannabe, who strolls about a canyon of enormous, misleading slogans.  She purrs fun petro-facts, all in an attempt to make Americans feel almost downright lucky to be financially raped by, say, ExxonMobil, a company that squeaked through the gas crisis by making $4,635,845.00/hour in profit last year!

Well, in the interest of honesty — and never overlooking an opportunity to be snide, — I reedited those ads to make them a bit more candid.  Watching it, you will have a taste for what it would be like to live in a world where businesses — and politicians — told the truth once in a while . . .

And here is Sarah Palin (then Sarah Heath) at the Miss Alaska pageant (starts at around 50 seconds):

PUSH PLAY. Then go get a couple of lovely, hot coffee while CBS rudely bombards you with ads for their foolish shows.  Then, fast forward this Katie Couric inverview to 5:24.

COURIC: I’m just going to ask you one more time. Not to belabor the point, specific examples in [John McCain’s] 26 years [in Congress] of pushing for more regulation?

PALIN: I’ll try to find ya some — and I’ll bring ‘em to ya!

BETTY: Darling, we’re looking for a Vice President, not a secretary.

Hold Sarah Palin up to your ears and you can hear show drift.

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

For all of John McCain’s and Sarah Palin’s schoolyard taunts, swagger and self-professed gutsy ability to take on the Big Boys in Washington, there is one thing that scares them more than facts: a microphone. The campaign rigorously keeps Palin in a perpetually coddled state of silent smiles. Her handlers treat anything with a question mark like it might a sniper, tacitly acknowledging that the more she says, the less people are going to like her or think the is competent. Yes, the snarky moose-killer, afraid of anything that can fire back, is petrified at the thought of getting a question that might shatter, not the glass ceiling, but the brittle mirage that currently colludes to create her image. Honestly, if all pit bulls were this meek, cowering in the corner lest a feisty toy poodle cross its path, they’d be a lot more popular outside of the Michael Vick set.

Now comes news that her Profession War-Hero™ running mate is trembling over a few questions, too. After a week of inopportune financial news, and falling poll numbers, John McCain is cowering behind his podium, waving a white flag that he keeps telling everyone is actually star-spangled. He is claiming that he is too afraid, ur, concerned to debate this week. You see, there is just isn’t time. No, he can make time for a silent photo op, but not the American people. 

McCain claims that fixing the current financial crisis is more important than the election.  But what he is really afraid of is that the election is about fixing this financial crisis.  Tellingly, “McCain took no questions after reading his statement.” Honestly, if our own party’s candidates can be sent running by the prospect of a few “why?”s, Iran should just dismantle its nuclear facilities and pool the money to buy a camcorder!