While John McCain may be rethinking his lackadaisical decision to outsource the vetting of Sarah Palin to the more curious American press, I’ve really enjoyed watching all these surprising layers peel off of the panglossian pioneer we were introduced to only last week. Looking a bit like one of those stock and staid librarians in movies, the one who is only moments away from removing her glasses and liberating a thick, lustrous mane of hair with a seductive snap of the neck while stripper music trumpets on the surround-sound, Palin exudes a sense that she is always about to reveal something unexpected before our startled eyes. And the really fun part: I have a hunch she’ll only know what that something is moments before we do. But, of course, weeks before John McCain will.
What I have enjoyed witnessing to a far lesser degree has been my fellow evangelical Republicans’ response to Palin’s energetic striptease of embarrassing information. It seems that the very idea of Dick Cheney’s office being redecorated with moose throws and baby seal pelt doilies by a ferociously ambitious MILF from Alaska has rendered a group of professional faultfinders and scolds mawkishly carefree, giddy in their eagerness to forgive. With a mix of opportunism and testosterone, habitual chiders like James Dobson are swooning over Palin, light-headedly jostling to anoint and absolve. The GOP’s rehabilitation of poor, maligned Murphy Brown has been as blithe as it has been sudden.
Yes, in many ways Sarah is our kind of gal. Her first priority when she began her contentious reign as the amusingly vindictive mayor of a small, snowy town? Try to ban books at the local library that contained the type of naughty words that so rudely besmirch the English language’s great literature! And, yes, Palin embraces the God of our President and Party, a God who is more likely to fritter away His day romantically daydreaming about a $30 billion gas pipeline than plucking a victim of one of His hurricanes out of a capsized canoe.
But it is not this shared (and profitable) vision of a mercantile God that has evangelicals verbally petting Palin like a pack of Emo youths whose ecstasy has just kicked in. No, their ardor springs solely from a rather discrete source revealed rather indiscreetly: She’s fixated on bringing every embryo she comes near to term. And she has created an “abstinence only from condoms” family that recklessly makes it its mission to ensure that there will be plenty of them, wanted or, as in the case of the last two, not.
Apparently, according to many of my fellow evangelicals, Palin could hold up a liquor store naked on a meth-binge just as long as she and her underage daughter keep pushing out the young’uns! According to Dobson, “The media are already trying to spin this as evidence Gov. Palin is a ‘hypocrite,’ but all it really means is that she and her family are human.”
But perhaps the biggest hypocrite in this story is Dobson. Is he now casting the issues of unwed pregnancy and teenage sex as inconsequential trifles, to be carelessly thrown under John McCain’s Straight Jacket Express? After all, he has quickly scolded unwed mothers in the past, showing a far less happy-go-lucky, “stuff happens” insouciance to “values.” [And speaking of scolding unwed teenage mothers: What, exactly, is the holdup on setting a date, Bristol, dear? Is it a busy-as-bee caterer – or an election, after which the boyfriend who doesn’t want kids can go back to college?]
Imagine the horror and tut-tutting if Barack Obama had a pregnant daughter (well, that and the probable interest by the New England Journal of Medicine). Do you think Dobson would fawn over the news – perhaps, encourage Miss Obama to have a few more? Probably not. Remember how he famously lit into Mary Cheney for having a child without being married to a man? Now, wait. Does that mean that this isn’t partisan pandering after all, just saying whatever claptrap is needed to get a Republican to pick some more wild-about-fetuses Supreme Court justices? Oh, how foolish! What was I thinking? Mary, while a Republican, is, moreover, a homo. And, in evangelical circles, being a homosexual is about the only thing as potent as being pro-fetus: The former condemns with the ease the latter absolves.
Candidate for “Vice” President Sarah Palin has finally fessed up that her unmarried teenage daughter has been running around town having unprotected sex. Truly, the Lord Jesus is showing us two things by this sad example of teenage harlotry:
1. That a mother who also engages in sexual activity outside of a traditional, Christian marriage (if you doubt this, check out the birthday of Sarah’s first son — April 20, 1989 — and the date she and her handsome hubby eloped — August 29, 1988!) sets an appalling example for her own children. Indeed, studies from Focus on the Family have proven that harlot mothers wind up with harlot daughters 93.4% of the time. Similar studies by the godly gals at Concerned Women for America have concluded that these poor, impressionable girls learn to strut, show inappropriate décolletage and beguile like pushy prostitutes in their very own living rooms.
2. And a mother who values her career (to the point of abandoning a newborn to campaign 24-7 for a new job in another state) above raising her precious family should not be surprised when she FINALLY steps back inside her family home (if she remembers the address) to find that it has been filled with bastards in her shocking absence!
And, honestly, what is happening to our once-godly country when REPUBLICANS are getting all giddy over a unrepentant harlot? I expect Demoncrats to go for that nonsense, but not the party of God. Please join me in praying to the Lord Jesus that Mr. McCain kick this trash to the curb!
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Honestly, what a vulgar question! Of course, the answer would have been equally shocking if Mr. McCain had not scrupulously skirted it by pretending to be above such profanity.
In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy (who looks as if she used to be a stewardess on Pan Am), as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain’s hair and said, “You’re getting a little thin up there.” McCain’s face reddened, and he responded, “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you [UNCHRISTIAN WORDS THAT STARTS WITH A C].” McCain’s excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.
Just when you think the Mormons are really bringing the crazy, the Scientologists, in a ferocious spirit of oneupmanship, prove that people who believe in latter day saints that aren’t even movie stars are hopeless amateurs when it comes to devoting themselves to foolishness.
Listen to this fascinating interview with Mark Headley, who was in the cult for 15 years (leaving in 2005) and served as the executive producer of Scientology’s propaganda arm, Golden Error Productions. (No, on second thought, I think the name is Golden Era Productions.)
As befits such a wacky organization, its pocket-size leader David Miscavige (pictured above in a wholly gratuitous photo-op with fellow midget cultist Tom Cruise) comes across as a completely unhinged despot. He allegedly physically assaults people who make snide quips (thanks for the warning, Mark!), requires slave-wage staffers who offend to sleep under their desks for months and is in the habit of “throwing people overboard” (i.e., shoving them into filthy lake). Why, it’s like a weekend at Faye Dunaway’s!
In comparison to this psychotic tyrant, Tom Cruise comes across as not only tall, but also almost flirting with sanity. Mainly because Tom had the fleeting good sense to leave the cult when he found that his millions of dollars in tithes only entitled him to hear the ludicrous, “secret” tales of Xenu and his soul-snatching intergalactic DC-9s, something as implausible as Mr. Cruise’s Irish accent in “Far and Away.”
Now, you know I only gossip to save a soul — or a conversation — but this interview is deliciously scandalous, especially about Mr. Cruise. Apparently, he is infertile (everyone face in the general direction of Suri and say, “Who’s your babydaddy?”) and became incensed when Nicole pulled a Mary and became pregnant with another man’s child. Spurned by Nicole, he fell back into the arms of Scientology, which returned the favor by launching a casting call for his new iWife.
Hearing the interview, I couldn’t help but think of the cult compound in Texas that was raided earlier this month. In that case, the births of children were what got the crazies at the asylum in trouble. Rather proactively, Scientology is making sure their Sea Org Compound isn’t similarly sullied or troubled by the inconvenience of births. According to Mr. Headley, every woman on the compound who becomes pregnant is immediately driven (what a lovely, thoughtful touch) to an abortion clinic. Why, it’s like a weekend at Jack Nicholson’s!
This interview is a window into a very sick and shoddy world. In other words, it’s wonderful! What is most heartening about it is that Mr. Headley [Lamar -- sorry, I couldn't resist] says that the cult is leaking members faster than a Clay Aiken Fan Club.
Mrs. Betty Bowers Position Paper on Abstinence Only Education
Friends, I ask you to contemplate the power of the spoken word – and the even greater dominion of silence. You see, in America today, just as saying the words “I’m a follower of Jesus” makes it so (regardless of what you do), not saying “teenagers are having sex” makes it not so (regardless of what they do). As any avaricious, rude, invidious Christian will be quick to remind you: Salvation is through words, not action. And isn’t that so wonderfully convenient, given the behavior of most of us? Indeed, I suspect people who say “actions speak louder than words” are simply misguided connoisseurs of that odious and singularly French annoyance called mime. Read the rest of this entry »
Please join me in prayer. As the year draws to an end, Lynn Spears has TWO daughters neck-and-neck in the “Biggest, Stupidest, Cheapest Harlot of 2007″ pageant: perennial favorite Britney and very strong newcomer Jamie Lynn. It must be so difficult for the poor thing; no mother wants to play favorites.
As He is wont to do after a glass or two of Brunello, Jesus just told me some rather delicious gossip about the contestants. Just when it appeared that Britney Spears had the sash in the bag, her competitive, underage sister Jamie Lynn Spears (LEFT, wearing a t-shirt Jesus and I sent her) went and upped the ante by sleeping with and getting pregnant by a nasty, wrinkled television executive, old enough to be her grandfather! Frankly, I’m surprised, given the family, he is not actually the father and grandfather to the child.
I just verified with Jesus that Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of BoulderCO, is indeed currently directing an all-toddler production of “Man of La Mancha” at a dinner theater in Hell. Otherwise, I would have put some of my followers’ money on the fact that Patsy is busy giving Jamie Lynn career advice! Honestly, I don’t recall an underage entertainer doing something so inappropriate to advance her career since I saw the looks on the faces of the judges at the Little Miss Snowflake Pageant as JonBenet pole-danced to the old Barbra Streisand song, “He Touched Me!“
With a bracing candor completely foreign to both American politics and conversations intended to keep friends, Mrs. Bowers & Her Invisible Running Mate grab American voters by their plump shoulders and shake some self-serving, xenophobic righteousness into them with their wildly inventive approach to solving problems — even those sneaky problems nobody even knew they had:
Nations of the World take note: You’re either slipping us ammo – or you’re the target.
Or should we say: Free? Dumb! Everyone goes around saying that freedom isn’t free. So why the dickens aren’t we CHARGING for it? Let’s privatize human rights so they are – finally – worth something! Within hours of taking office, we will slap some dollar signs on the few, annoying freedoms that are left – and put the BILL in Bill of Rights! Read the rest of this entry »
