THE NO SIN ZONE

Saint Coco once observed: “Luxury is not the opposite of poverty. It is the opposite of vulgarity.” Had Miss Chanel stuck around to witness recent town hall meetings in America, she would have emphatically concluded that this country is in desperate need of some luxury. Code Bleu! Honestly, such a shocking parade of nasty, angry, vulgar people! The very people who not only didn’t mind, but cheered, when our big government got even bigger by slapping several trillion dollars on a Chinese VISA card, all for a vanity war, are now seething over spending a fraction of that amount on the frivolity of keeping Americans alive.

Apparently, after consulting Jesus (“What would you do, say, if you thought all your own socialistic teachings were garbage, Lord?”), they realized it is more important to spend money we don’t have to keep foreigners dead than to keep Americans alive. Now, it’s not for me to question what Jesus told them because, well frankly, He says a lot of things, much of which He doesn’t even mean (one hopes), but I do know that He never told them dress like that!  In any event, an exasperated Jesus doodled the following graphic after several days of apoplectic prayers from His agitated, vulgar flock:

As a Real American™, I am troubled by the lack of attention given to the most troubling aspect of this whole sordid, cross-equatorial liaison by Mark Sanford. American Patriots™ do not import mistresses from overseas, taking over-paid jobs on political payrolls away from American harlots, whores and extortionists. This outsourcing of sin deprives American tramps enormous salaries, which double as hush money with each indiscreet lick of someone else’s man! In this economy, can we truly afford politicians who turn tricks and their finances over to sexual playthings overseas? What’s next? Will the Roman Catholic clergy begin thumbing through cheap, Chinese catalogs for mail-order altar boys, thereby depriving Real Americans™ millions of dollars in punitive damages? Think of how our already shaky economy would have suffered if Senators Ensign’s and Edwards’ on-the-payroll hoochie mamas had been foreign sluts and their generous payoffs had been exported?

Friends, patriots have sordid assignations with other amoral Americans. Real Americans™ have domestic affairs — and, in the case of another infamous South Carolinian, Strom Thurmond, affairs with domestics! In this time when American jobs are being sent overseas, let us rally around this heartfelt cry: Homewreckers should come from HOME!

Unretouched photo of John McCain at the end of last night’s debate, apparently possessed by demons!

Last night, we saw what happens when you have perpetually peeved fans given to screaming insults and slander. And, no, I’m not talking about the fools who paid money to see Janet Jackson lip-synch, only to find out at the last minute Miss Jackson went on a nasty bender and cancelled the concert. Well, on second thought, maybe she had the right idea. In sad contrast, John McCain would have been wise to cancel, too. Instead, he went on his nasty bender on air!

Under increasing goading from his bloodthirsty and increasingly frenzied “base,” McCain was determined to go on the attack. He played offense, but it played out as offensive. That is because it is dangerous for McCain to tap into his reservoirs of sarcastic anger. That unreserved reserve may be as flammable as our nation’s natural gas, but McCain’s reserves don’t appear to be finite. If only we had the technology to tap this angry energy, we could go back to driving Hummers!

By most accounts, McCain is a nasty piece of work, short tempered, rude and, more than his poseur “pit bull” running mate, close enough to the genuine article that any lipstick would go unnoticed. With his split-screen snarls, he may have thrown some red meat to the his base, clamoring for insults and rudeness. But the problem with acting like those people is that they scare most Americans.

What Would Joe the Plumber Do?

Let’s be honest, the smarmy, canned, patronizing references to “Joe the Plumber” were just irritating. But nevertheless rather telling. Notice how McCain sarcastically sneered, “Congratulations, Joe, you’re rich!”? McCain’s mocking was rooted in a big-time gigolo’s distain for the notion that anyone making $250,000 could be thought of as “rich.” Most Americans might feel otherwise. But, then again, they don’t spend that amount annually on servants, as do John and his android wife. What’s funny is that someone can gain notoriety as “Joe the Plumber” when he isn’t even a licensed plumber.   But he is, however, skinhead enough to make a “tap dances like Sammy Davis, Jr.” remark about Barrack Obama. Oh, dear. No wonder McCain plucked Joe out from all of America for some unseemly pandering! Joe sounds like John’s base!

Join me, won’t you?  Meet John McCain’s base: 

 

Have you seen the cozy little ads on TV by The American Petroleum Institute, the lobbying arm of Big Oil?  They feature a Meredith Viera wannabe, who strolls about a canyon of enormous, misleading slogans.  She purrs fun petro-facts, all in an attempt to make Americans feel almost downright lucky to be financially raped by, say, ExxonMobil, a company that squeaked through the gas crisis by making $4,635,845.00/hour in profit last year!

Well, in the interest of honesty — and never overlooking an opportunity to be snide, — I reedited those ads to make them a bit more candid.  Watching it, you will have a taste for what it would be like to live in a world where businesses — and politicians — told the truth once in a while . . .

PUSH PLAY. Then go get a couple of lovely, hot coffee while CBS rudely bombards you with ads for their foolish shows.  Then, fast forward this Katie Couric inverview to 5:24.

COURIC: I’m just going to ask you one more time. Not to belabor the point, specific examples in [John McCain's] 26 years [in Congress] of pushing for more regulation?

PALIN: I’ll try to find ya some — and I’ll bring ‘em to ya!

BETTY: Darling, we’re looking for a Vice President, not a secretary.

For all of John McCain’s and Sarah Palin’s schoolyard taunts, swagger and self-professed gutsy ability to take on the Big Boys in Washington, there is one thing that scares them more than facts: a microphone. The campaign rigorously keeps Palin in a perpetually coddled state of silent smiles. Her handlers treat anything with a question mark like it might a sniper, tacitly acknowledging that the more she says, the less people are going to like her or think the is competent. Yes, the snarky moose-killer, afraid of anything that can fire back, is petrified at the thought of getting a question that might shatter, not the glass ceiling, but the brittle mirage that currently colludes to create her image. Honestly, if all pit bulls were this meek, cowering in the corner lest a feisty toy poodle cross its path, they’d be a lot more popular outside of the Michael Vick set.

Now comes news that her Profession War-Hero™ running mate is trembling over a few questions, too. After a week of inopportune financial news, and falling poll numbers, John McCain is cowering behind his podium, waving a white flag that he keeps telling everyone is actually star-spangled. He is claiming that he is too afraid, ur, concerned to debate this week. You see, there is just isn’t time. No, he can make time for a silent photo op, but not the American people. 

McCain claims that fixing the current financial crisis is more important than the election.  But what he is really afraid of is that the election is about fixing this financial crisis.  Tellingly, “McCain took no questions after reading his statement.” Honestly, if our own party’s candidates can be sent running by the prospect of a few “why?”s, Iran should just dismantle its nuclear facilities and pool the money to buy a camcorder! 

As you can see, Demon-crats are up to their usual, underhanded trickery: Using what Mr. McCain says on one day to contradict what he said on a completely different day! It’s sad that the liberals are so bereft of words that they must resort to using Mr. McCain’s words. The so-called “truth” is such a bothersome technicality and, as your current President has so painstakingly showed, has absolutely no place in American politics. The liberals should be ashamed of this nitpicking approach: To be tethered to accuracy shows an appalling absence of imagination. Frankly, I haven’t witnessed such an sad reliance on technicality since Dora Denkins prowled for men in international waters on a Carnival cruise, simply to evade the jurisdiction of the Centers for Disease Control.