Click on image to see a guide you can actually read:

As America‘s foremost embedded reporter in the current War on Christmas, I am sending this encrypted message to you from the front lines: Macy’s.

Dear Soldiers for the Baby Jesus:

Once again, pagan combatants, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a holiday invaded and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago. 

Friends, we stole December fair and square — and are going to stay the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to love and joy into an vitriolic turf war all about us!

The first shopping skirmish of the season occurred when my Personal Shopper spotted secular insurgents maraudering behind the Estee Lauder counter.  I personally overheard several of these “Happy Holidays” extremists, uniformed in the Lauder infantry’s blue, paramilitary smocks, boldly declare a jihad on the Baby Jesus’ birthday.  As I feigned interest in an egregiously harloty shade of bright red lipstick, I overheard the make-up militia chant such bellicose, Christmas-hating greetings as “Have a wonderful holiday!” to civilian shoppers.  They also brandished IEDs (introductory exfoliating devices) to Christian foundation buyers, Bible-believing bargain hunters simply looking for a Christmas gift that came free with a $35 purchase.

Moments later, bell-ringing infantry from the Salvation Army were called in to drown out the battle cries of “Ho! Ho! Ho!” from a sidewalk Santa. This invasion appears to have been based on faulty intelligence as it turns out that the Santa bellowing “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was merely greeting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as they drunkenly stumbled out of Neiman-Marcus. Before Baptist mercenaries realized this mistake, angry Pentecostal militia had already rounded up striped-stockinged enemy combatants (pint-sized operatives calling themselves “elves”).  They were wrestled to the ground just outside of their bunker, a Styrofoam gingerbread house in Bloomingdale’s window.

Yes, friends, this year’s War on Christmas has been the most angry and dangerous yet.  Several shoppers’ eyes were taken out as called-up shopoholic reservists from Landover Baptist Church carpet bombed mall parking lots with “Jesus is the Reason for 40% Off Selected Merchandise” Bible tracts.

Bill O’Reilly and I undertook a reconnaissance mission to undercover anti-Christmas propaganda militants.  Holiday hostilities began after I resourcefully used a “Noel” candle from Pottery Barn (which Bill mistook for a candy-striped pagan tribute to Jeb Bush’s crackwhore daughter) to ignite an appalling “Peace on Earth” banner dangling just outside a notorious secular stronghold called Sephora.  As Bill jumped up and down on the flaming banner, he screamed at frightened eye-shadow and fragrance browsers, “Peace on earth?  You can take your anti-troops, anti-Bush, pinko pacifistic agitprop and shove it right up your –”

Fortunately, a resourceful spritz of “Hillary Duff with Love” Eau de Parfum Spray not only prevented Bill from completing his proctologic entreaty, it also caused so much collateral damage to bystander shoppers that “Hillary Duff with Love” has replaced Polonium-210 as my favorite disabling spray during our current campaign to retake the fur department at Saks for Jesus.

As all of you arm yourselves for CHRISTmas shopping this season, know that your comrade-in-arms, Mrs. Betty Bowers, is with you in the AMEX-accepting trenches.  Your Commander-in-Cashmere wishes all of you a joyous Baby Jesus Day and asks you to remain vigilant against secular uprisings, such as shockingly rude cards that wish so-called “nice” things without pandering to your particular brand of faith.  And a special word of warning to you lady shoppers out there: Watch out for Pastor’s notoriously inaccurate missile-toe!

So Close To Jesus, I Still Haven’t Forgiven Him For Stretching Out Last Christmas’s Lovely Elie Tahari Paulo Sweater By Allowing The Entire Trinity To Try It On All At Once,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America‘s Best Christian

Meet Tonya Jenkins. She died of shock this morning. You see, the poor thing had spent the past two years getting all of her information from Sean Hannity. She would then go to her favorite website, Free Republic, and read thousands and thousands and thousands of vitriolic posts, all containing no facts inconsistent with Mr. Hannity’s and no opinions that caused Tonya to rethink her own.  

Tonya went to bed last night with a tumbler of cold tequila and a head full of comfy knowledge. She knew that the Lord Jesus would answer her prayer to never let no colored Muslim communist terrorist be no durn president. She was certain she would wake up to find that sassy Sarah Palin and her running mate, a wonderfully mavericky war hero, had been elected instead. In her Christian heart, Tonya was confident that Americans were every bit as racist as Republicans hoped they’d turn out to be, as the much discussed, posted about and wished for “Bradley Effect” would work its reactionary magic at the polls. 

But this morning at work, Tonya got sloppy. Maybe she was tired. Maybe just a bit hungover. Whatever the cause for her lapse, she became infected by the Liberal Elite Mainstream Media. As she carelessly bused her table, she inadvertently glanced at a New York Times a suspiciously informed dinner had mischievously left behind. Sensing danger, she tried to look away, but it was too late. She’d already read the headline. Before she could blindfold herself with the rag she was using to wipe the table and repeat her “la la la la MR. FACTS I DON’T HEAR YOU!  la la ” incantation, inconvenient information had already burrowed into her head like anthrax spores. Poor Tonya’s bitter heart just couldn’t take the shock: The America of FoxNews and her favorite right wing website wasn’t the America she was walking and breathing in. Before I could call out “But Florida and California still hate the homos!” to revive her, she was gone.

WARNING: Viewing this video can cause people with even negligible intelligence and civility to experience an overdose of self-respect.

I’m fascinated by the rebranding of products that goes on in this ever-resourceful, credulous, crumbling America of ours.  John McCain, a selfish, spoiled, name-dropping chatterbox, who simply couldn’t stop yapping to the North Vietnamese, is rebranded a selfless hero.  Sarah Palin, a lying pathological narcissist, is improbably rebranded as, well, sane. And Barrack Obama, someone who made his start being kind to the poor, is rebranded an anti-Jesus terrorist!  Well, honestly, if we Republicans can successfully rebrand Jesus himself as a bellicose materialist, is anyone truly safe from an inventive Madison Avenue make-over?

What is most entertaining about John McCain and Sarah Palin is that they don’t wait for someone else to rebrand them; they are too busy marketing themselves. And they prefer their slogans as vivid as they are simple.  Barracuda!  Hero!  Pit-bull! Maverick!  It’s a conceited — and cynical — undertaking. It is also a patronizing acknowledgement of a rather base base, which prefers a good story to a real one.

In the desperate throes of ineptitude and the toxic backwash of the frenzied hatred and racism they have coyly set in motion, Palin/McCain [sic.] have turned their hobby of repackaging on their opponent. And it’s getting rather uncomfortable to watch.  And if you think what they say in public is unseemly and shocking, just wait until you see the stuff they didn’t release, on an exclusive copy of their campaign attack ad bloopers:

 

For all of John McCain’s and Sarah Palin’s schoolyard taunts, swagger and self-professed gutsy ability to take on the Big Boys in Washington, there is one thing that scares them more than facts: a microphone. The campaign rigorously keeps Palin in a perpetually coddled state of silent smiles. Her handlers treat anything with a question mark like it might a sniper, tacitly acknowledging that the more she says, the less people are going to like her or think the is competent. Yes, the snarky moose-killer, afraid of anything that can fire back, is petrified at the thought of getting a question that might shatter, not the glass ceiling, but the brittle mirage that currently colludes to create her image. Honestly, if all pit bulls were this meek, cowering in the corner lest a feisty toy poodle cross its path, they’d be a lot more popular outside of the Michael Vick set.

Now comes news that her Profession War-Hero™ running mate is trembling over a few questions, too. After a week of inopportune financial news, and falling poll numbers, John McCain is cowering behind his podium, waving a white flag that he keeps telling everyone is actually star-spangled. He is claiming that he is too afraid, ur, concerned to debate this week. You see, there is just isn’t time. No, he can make time for a silent photo op, but not the American people. 

McCain claims that fixing the current financial crisis is more important than the election.  But what he is really afraid of is that the election is about fixing this financial crisis.  Tellingly, “McCain took no questions after reading his statement.” Honestly, if our own party’s candidates can be sent running by the prospect of a few “why?”s, Iran should just dismantle its nuclear facilities and pool the money to buy a camcorder! 

Now, granted: Tucker Bounds is a smarmy robot just out of high school, but I think Campbell Brown is shockingly discourteous asking intrusive questions about Sarah Palin’s non-existent qualification to take over the office of President if old, bumbling John McCain succumbs to his seemingly imminent death. How inconsiderate for an interviewer to pepper a candidate’s spokesperson with real questions, especially ones to which said spokesperson clearly has no answers! Sad, isn’t it? Why can’t televised “interviews” be conducted as they were in the past two elections, like cocktail party chit-chat where everyone knows the other person is lying but is simply too polite or bored to care?

UPDATE:  Thin-skinned, temperamental John McCain was so incensed that this interview was an interview instead of the usual unchallenged recitation of a press release, he threw a tantrum and refused to show up on CNN’s Larry King Live.

NOTE: This is a High Definition video and is best viewed by selecting “Watch in High Quality” (this option appears below the number of “VIEWS” directly under the video on YouTube).

GO HERE to watch this video on YouTube or to change your settings.