THE NO SIN ZONE

AMERICA: Please stop putting stick figures on the backs of your cars to advertise your family’s size. It’s a rather crass thing to be competitive over and, let’s be honest, neither you nor your wife have looked like a stick figure in twenty years. World War II pilots’ bragged about deaths with bombs stenciled on the fuselage and now you brag about births with a gawky drawing for every household sperm that hits an egg. Are we supposed to be impressed that you can peel off a decal, but can’t unroll a condom? “My Family is Bigger Than Yours!!!!” Honestly, let’s just concede that unattractive honor to Michelle “My Vagina is Vulgar Gimmick” Duggar and leave the back window for its intended purpose – making sure you see my uncluttered Mercedes when it overtakes your tackily tricked out SUV. Besides, you’re just going to have to scrape them off when you get divorced and lose custody. This is your last warning: Next month, I start adding stick figures for all the men/women you slept with behind your stick-figure spouse’s back. Now, that’s going to be a busy back window! Praise God!

I gave her this prestigious award.  I’m such a giver!

Instead of a casserole, bring Bible tracts when you visit your vile, hell-bound families this Thanksgiving! “The Missing Day” teaches us that: (1) The Lord helped the Pilgrims steal food from Indians; (2) The Lord then took all the credit from the Indians (who spoke perfect English) who feed them; and, most important, (3) A Thanksgiving host should always tell his dinner guests that they are all going straight to Hell (preferably before dessert)! Glory!

Click on image to see a guide you can actually read:

Saint Coco once observed: “Luxury is not the opposite of poverty. It is the opposite of vulgarity.” Had Miss Chanel stuck around to witness recent town hall meetings in America, she would have emphatically concluded that this country is in desperate need of some luxury. Code Bleu! Honestly, such a shocking parade of nasty, angry, vulgar people! The very people who not only didn’t mind, but cheered, when our big government got even bigger by slapping several trillion dollars on a Chinese VISA card, all for a vanity war, are now seething over spending a fraction of that amount on the frivolity of keeping Americans alive.

Apparently, after consulting Jesus (“What would you do, say, if you thought all your own socialistic teachings were garbage, Lord?”), they realized it is more important to spend money we don’t have to keep foreigners dead than to keep Americans alive. Now, it’s not for me to question what Jesus told them because, well frankly, He says a lot of things, much of which He doesn’t even mean (one hopes), but I do know that He never told them dress like that!  In any event, an exasperated Jesus doodled the following graphic after several days of apoplectic prayers from His agitated, vulgar flock:

Do you recall the anal retentive pest who walked along the beach with Jesus?  After he inventoried the footprints left by the two, he pelted Jesus with pesky questions about why there ended up only being one set of footprints.

One night, a filthy drunk had a dream,

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD after spending the evening together at a cheap motel.

Across the sky, flashed lurid scenes from the man’s tedious life.   Jesus yawned, took a long drag from His menthol cigarette and spat into the sand.

For each scene the now naked redneck noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to him and the other to his lovely date, the LORD.

When the last scene flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that there were only one set of footprints, left by very expensive Italian sandals he didn’t own.

He also noticed that it happened to be at the very lowest and saddest time in his pathetic, needy, miserable life.

This really pissed him off

So he put down his Jack Daniels, stuck his hairy index finger in Jesus’ shoulder and questioned the LORD about it.

“LORD, you said once I decided to follow You, we’d be like homos and You’d walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome time in my life, there is only ONE set of footprints.

I don’t understand why when I needed You the most You would leave me.  Why LORD?  WHY?  Tell me NOW! Or I’m fixing to break this here bottle over a rock and come after you with it!”

The LORD replied:

“Stop asking me so many [UNCHRISTIAN WORD]ing questions!”

And that’s when the couple from Ontario, on the balcony of their timeshare, heard an enthusiastic volley of gunfire.