THE NO SIN ZONE

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Saint Coco once observed: “Luxury is not the opposite of poverty. It is the opposite of vulgarity.” Had Miss Chanel stuck around to witness recent town hall meetings in America, she would have emphatically concluded that this country is in desperate need of some luxury. Code Bleu! Honestly, such a shocking parade of nasty, angry, vulgar people! The very people who not only didn’t mind, but cheered, when our big government got even bigger by slapping several trillion dollars on a Chinese VISA card, all for a vanity war, are now seething over spending a fraction of that amount on the frivolity of keeping Americans alive.

Apparently, after consulting Jesus (“What would you do, say, if you thought all your own socialistic teachings were garbage, Lord?”), they realized it is more important to spend money we don’t have to keep foreigners dead than to keep Americans alive. Now, it’s not for me to question what Jesus told them because, well frankly, He says a lot of things, much of which He doesn’t even mean (one hopes), but I do know that He never told them dress like that!  In any event, an exasperated Jesus doodled the following graphic after several days of apoplectic prayers from His agitated, vulgar flock:

In light of Sarah Palin’s flurry of tetchy litigation threats, allow me to clarify something. I only observed[*] that the soon-to-be-unemployed ex-pageant contestant seemed to be on methamphetamine on Friday, given her herky-jerky, Lohan-at-midnight delivery of paranoid effusions spinning on a dizzying merry-go-round of self-congratulation and jingoistic non sequiturs. Let’s be honest: We’ve all seen gals in my Christian Crack Whore Ministry more poised than Sarah — and better put together than that Mad Libs speech of hers! Nevertheless, I never said that I was 100% almost certain that the poor thing actually was on meth when she delivered her turbidly unresigned resignation and cruel, gratuitous putdown of deceased fish (the very symbol of our faith!). No, that was Jesus who said that about her. And good luck to Sarah, trying to get even federal jurisdiction over all three parties to the Trinity!

[*Comment on Facebook to which Mrs. Palin's attorneys object: "The only discernible difference between the Governor of South Carolina's televised breakdown with an effusive gurgitation of unwanted words and the Governor of Alaska's televised breakdown with an effusive gurgitation of unwanted words is that the latter seems to have been delivered on meth."]

As America‘s foremost embedded reporter in the current War on Christmas, I am sending this encrypted message to you from the front lines: Macy’s.

Dear Soldiers for the Baby Jesus:

Once again, pagan combatants, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a holiday invaded and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago. 

Friends, we stole December fair and square — and are going to stay the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to love and joy into an vitriolic turf war all about us!

The first shopping skirmish of the season occurred when my Personal Shopper spotted secular insurgents maraudering behind the Estee Lauder counter.  I personally overheard several of these “Happy Holidays” extremists, uniformed in the Lauder infantry’s blue, paramilitary smocks, boldly declare a jihad on the Baby Jesus’ birthday.  As I feigned interest in an egregiously harloty shade of bright red lipstick, I overheard the make-up militia chant such bellicose, Christmas-hating greetings as “Have a wonderful holiday!” to civilian shoppers.  They also brandished IEDs (introductory exfoliating devices) to Christian foundation buyers, Bible-believing bargain hunters simply looking for a Christmas gift that came free with a $35 purchase.

Moments later, bell-ringing infantry from the Salvation Army were called in to drown out the battle cries of “Ho! Ho! Ho!” from a sidewalk Santa. This invasion appears to have been based on faulty intelligence as it turns out that the Santa bellowing “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was merely greeting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as they drunkenly stumbled out of Neiman-Marcus. Before Baptist mercenaries realized this mistake, angry Pentecostal militia had already rounded up striped-stockinged enemy combatants (pint-sized operatives calling themselves “elves”).  They were wrestled to the ground just outside of their bunker, a Styrofoam gingerbread house in Bloomingdale’s window.

Yes, friends, this year’s War on Christmas has been the most angry and dangerous yet.  Several shoppers’ eyes were taken out as called-up shopoholic reservists from Landover Baptist Church carpet bombed mall parking lots with “Jesus is the Reason for 40% Off Selected Merchandise” Bible tracts.

Bill O’Reilly and I undertook a reconnaissance mission to undercover anti-Christmas propaganda militants.  Holiday hostilities began after I resourcefully used a “Noel” candle from Pottery Barn (which Bill mistook for a candy-striped pagan tribute to Jeb Bush’s crackwhore daughter) to ignite an appalling “Peace on Earth” banner dangling just outside a notorious secular stronghold called Sephora.  As Bill jumped up and down on the flaming banner, he screamed at frightened eye-shadow and fragrance browsers, “Peace on earth?  You can take your anti-troops, anti-Bush, pinko pacifistic agitprop and shove it right up your –”

Fortunately, a resourceful spritz of “Hillary Duff with Love” Eau de Parfum Spray not only prevented Bill from completing his proctologic entreaty, it also caused so much collateral damage to bystander shoppers that “Hillary Duff with Love” has replaced Polonium-210 as my favorite disabling spray during our current campaign to retake the fur department at Saks for Jesus.

As all of you arm yourselves for CHRISTmas shopping this season, know that your comrade-in-arms, Mrs. Betty Bowers, is with you in the AMEX-accepting trenches.  Your Commander-in-Cashmere wishes all of you a joyous Baby Jesus Day and asks you to remain vigilant against secular uprisings, such as shockingly rude cards that wish so-called “nice” things without pandering to your particular brand of faith.  And a special word of warning to you lady shoppers out there: Watch out for Pastor’s notoriously inaccurate missile-toe!

So Close To Jesus, I Still Haven’t Forgiven Him For Stretching Out Last Christmas’s Lovely Elie Tahari Paulo Sweater By Allowing The Entire Trinity To Try It On All At Once,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America‘s Best Christian

Meet Tonya Jenkins. She died of shock this morning. You see, the poor thing had spent the past two years getting all of her information from Sean Hannity. She would then go to her favorite website, Free Republic, and read thousands and thousands and thousands of vitriolic posts, all containing no facts inconsistent with Mr. Hannity’s and no opinions that caused Tonya to rethink her own.  

Tonya went to bed last night with a tumbler of cold tequila and a head full of comfy knowledge. She knew that the Lord Jesus would answer her prayer to never let no colored Muslim communist terrorist be no durn president. She was certain she would wake up to find that sassy Sarah Palin and her running mate, a wonderfully mavericky war hero, had been elected instead. In her Christian heart, Tonya was confident that Americans were every bit as racist as Republicans hoped they’d turn out to be, as the much discussed, posted about and wished for “Bradley Effect” would work its reactionary magic at the polls. 

But this morning at work, Tonya got sloppy. Maybe she was tired. Maybe just a bit hungover. Whatever the cause for her lapse, she became infected by the Liberal Elite Mainstream Media. As she carelessly bused her table, she inadvertently glanced at a New York Times a suspiciously informed dinner had mischievously left behind. Sensing danger, she tried to look away, but it was too late. She’d already read the headline. Before she could blindfold herself with the rag she was using to wipe the table and repeat her “la la la la MR. FACTS I DON’T HEAR YOU!  la la ” incantation, inconvenient information had already burrowed into her head like anthrax spores. Poor Tonya’s bitter heart just couldn’t take the shock: The America of FoxNews and her favorite right wing website wasn’t the America she was walking and breathing in. Before I could call out “But Florida and California still hate the homos!” to revive her, she was gone.

Now, granted: Tucker Bounds is a smarmy robot just out of high school, but I think Campbell Brown is shockingly discourteous asking intrusive questions about Sarah Palin’s non-existent qualification to take over the office of President if old, bumbling John McCain succumbs to his seemingly imminent death. How inconsiderate for an interviewer to pepper a candidate’s spokesperson with real questions, especially ones to which said spokesperson clearly has no answers! Sad, isn’t it? Why can’t televised “interviews” be conducted as they were in the past two elections, like cocktail party chit-chat where everyone knows the other person is lying but is simply too polite or bored to care?

UPDATE:  Thin-skinned, temperamental John McCain was so incensed that this interview was an interview instead of the usual unchallenged recitation of a press release, he threw a tantrum and refused to show up on CNN’s Larry King Live.