THE NO SIN ZONE

Pakistani leaders, commenting on the remarkably convenient death of Benazire Bhutto, trotted out the Bush/Cheney administration’s all-purpose magical enemy by declaring, “Al Qaeda did it! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Those spooky bogeymen at Al Qaeda did it!”

As a Republican, I rather like no longer having to look too deeply into causation or culpability, tedious activities that often lead to conclusions more inconvenient that the provocation. Goodness me, for all our complaining, doesn’t it streamline things considerably to finally have an enemy that actually enjoys taking credit for things it didn’t do and cheers false accusations of its iniquitousness?

Please join me in prayer. As the year draws to an end, Lynn Spears has TWO daughters neck-and-neck in the “Biggest, Stupidest, Cheapest Harlot of 2007″ pageant: perennial favorite Britney and very strong newcomer Jamie Lynn. It must be so difficult for the poor thing; no mother wants to play favorites.

As He is wont to do after a glass or two of Brunello, Jesus just told me some rather delicious gossip about the contestants. Just when it appeared that Britney Spears had the sash in the bag, her competitive, underage sister Jamie Lynn Spears (LEFT, wearing a t-shirt Jesus and I sent her) went and upped the ante by sleeping with and getting pregnant by a nasty, wrinkled television executive, old enough to be her grandfather! Frankly, I’m surprised, given the family, he is not actually the father and grandfather to the child.

I just verified with Jesus that Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder CO, is indeed currently directing an all-toddler production of “Man of La Mancha” at a dinner theater in Hell. Otherwise, I would have put some of my followers’ money on the fact that Patsy is busy giving Jamie Lynn career advice! Honestly, I don’t recall an underage entertainer doing something so inappropriate to advance her career since I saw the looks on the faces of the judges at the Little Miss Snowflake Pageant as JonBenet pole-danced to the old Barbra Streisand song, “He Touched Me!“

Some Christians, more lackadaisical in both their faith and determination to make others kowtow to that particular faith (Baptist), are perfectly comfortable pointedly wishing strangers, “Merry CHRISTMAS!” After all, it is a convenient way of reminding nonChristians that their salutations of nonspecific cheer (particularly that odious “Happy Holidays!” rudeness) are offensive garbage, just like their so-called “beliefs.”  While this provides a wonderful opportunity to make nonChristians uncomfortable and excluded, I don’t think such passive-aggressive unbraiding goes quite far enough.

Frankly, the second syllable of “Christmas” sounds suspiciously like the “mass” Mary-Worshippers attend.  This is, of course, the pagan ritual wherein an unmarried transvestite mumbles magical incantations to turn a circle of Styrofoam-tasting bread into the body of Christ.  The genuflection-crazy congregation then turns into a pack of doily-on-head-wearing cannibals, rushing to the front of their macabrely decorated “church” to devour the flesh of the Baby Jesus.  To distance ourselves from such outrageous shenanigans, I encourage my acolytes to loudly tell strangers: “Happy Baby Jesus Day!” That way, one can use Jesus’ birthday not only to rub nonChristians’ noses in their lack of authentic faith, but also to tweak the noses of a few Mary-Worshippers!  As you can see, more expansive rebuking takes as much thought as ferocity!

Mitt Romney, the nimble chameleon in magical underwear, has joined President Bush and Meryl Streep in exhibiting an uncanny ability to cry on cue when cameras are present. The dashing Mormon Mannequin wept for the press over the thought of one of his sons dying in Iraq.

Such sentimental guesswork is tantamount to Barbara Bush blushing over the thought of being a hot porn star. But that’s the fabulous thing about facile conjecture over the impossible: You can pretend something affects you personally simply because you have a wild imagination!  This agile technique in sophistic sympathy allows both President Bush and Mitt Romney to safely shed Oprah tears for an audience over the thought of someone else’s child dying in a war they support without ever worrying about the fact of Jenna, Barbara, Ben, Craig, Josh, Matt and Tagg dying in that same war. And, truly, sad thoughts are so, well, sad, aren’t they? Indeed, I often cry at the thought of being a penniless Darfur tribeswoman every time I slap down a Black AMEX card at Neiman Marcus.  So sad, isn’t it?  Why, I think I’m crying as I type!  Aren’t I so terribly, terribly thoughtful?  Just like Mitt!

If you want to provide the people of Iraq with health care, police, roads, sewers, a new power grid and education, irrespective of cost, you are a fiscally sound conservative.  

If, on the other hand, you want these same things for Americans, you are a tax-and-spend liberal.

Upon hearing the news that a fire damaged Dick Cheney’s suite in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, I couldn’t help but conjure the odious image of that soulless gargoyle Mary Matalin slamming a Zippo lighter into her handbag and rushing from the building, reeking of butane (which Security, no doubt, mistook with her usual fragrance).

As America‘s foremost embedded reporter in the current War on Christmas, I am sending this encrypted message to you from the front lines: Macy’s!

Dear Soldiers for the Baby Jesus:

Once again, pagan combatants, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a holiday invaded and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago.

Friends, we stole December fair and square — and are going to stay the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to love and joy into an vitriolic turf war all about us!

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Looking at this Huckabee family Christmas card, I couldn’t help but recall our always-helpful Lord suggesting: “Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.” Proverbs 23:2. Now, I’ll be the first to say that that seems a rather extreme (and messy) diet tip, but clearly the Lord has had it with His more insatiable followers taking an off-the-cuff entreaty to eat the fat of the land a bit too literally.

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On the Campaign Trail: Notes from the Back of Betty’s Bentley.

Ames, Iowa. Well, Jesus was a no show again last night. He was there; it’s just that no one could see Him. (And, frankly, it was just as well, given His burlap-belted number in a tenaciously unforgiving shade of bilious green.) Honestly, after seven, seemingly interminable years of having to look at such an unsightly President of Vice as Dick Cheney, I thought a VP who can actually hide in a disclosed location would be a welcome, refreshing change. Nevertheless, I’m finding that having someone transparent on the ticket is ill-suited to an era of rampant exhibitionism (both emotional and otherwise) when even more publicized people than Jesus are apt to show up on Perez Hilton flashing their lady hampers when my shy Running Mate won’t even flash a “John Edwards Does Bill Clinton Doing Elaine Benes Dancing” upturned thumb for me in a swing state!

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Yesterday, Mitt Romney did what he does best: Pander through obfuscation.

Mitt assured wary right-wing Baptists and their deeply suspicious ilk that Mormons are just like them — only, apparently, richer and better looking. Just as Romney’s blithe assertion that this is a Christian nation would come as a surprise to many Founding Fathers, that the Church of Tardy Saints is virtually indistinguishable from other Christian denominations would leave rather crestfallen the church’s founder, Joseph Smith. You see, Mr. Smith claimed that a trash-talking Jesus personally told him not to join the existing Christian churches (that is, the very pews filled by the people Romney is currently fawning over) because Jesus thought “that all their creeds were an abomination in His sight; that those professors were all corrupt.” Fortunately for all involved, Mitt is never above even an awkward flip-flop — even on Jesus’ behalf.

What Mitt Carefully (and Wisely) Avoided Telling Everyone about Mormonism:

• The Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri. No wonder Eve came up with a ruse to get kicked out!
• Mormons believe that Jesus’ brother is Satan. We all know that’s a lie. Satan’s brother is called Jeb. Read the rest of this entry »