THE NO SIN ZONE

AMERICA: Please stop putting stick figures on the backs of your cars to advertise your family’s size. It’s a rather crass thing to be competitive over and, let’s be honest, neither you nor your wife have looked like a stick figure in twenty years. World War II pilots’ bragged about deaths with bombs stenciled on the fuselage and now you brag about births with a gawky drawing for every household sperm that hits an egg. Are we supposed to be impressed that you can peel off a decal, but can’t unroll a condom? “My Family is Bigger Than Yours!!!!” Honestly, let’s just concede that unattractive honor to Michelle “My Vagina is Vulgar Gimmick” Duggar and leave the back window for its intended purpose – making sure you see my uncluttered Mercedes when it overtakes your tackily tricked out SUV. Besides, you’re just going to have to scrape them off when you get divorced and lose custody. This is your last warning: Next month, I start adding stick figures for all the men/women you slept with behind your stick-figure spouse’s back. Now, that’s going to be a busy back window! Praise God!