R. I. P. America

5th November 2008

posted in Amendment 2, Ann Coulter, Barack Obama, Democrats, Florida, Fox News, GOP, Godly Guns for Jesus, Jesus, Patriotism, People who hate America, Proposition 8, Racism and other solved problems, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Traditional Marriage, True Chistian Politics, freedom, gay marriage, homos, pundits, supporting our Blackwater mercenaries, war and other things Jesus wants |

Tonya

Meet Tonya Jenkins. She died of shock this morning. You see, the poor thing had spent the past two years getting all of her information from Sean Hannity. She would then go to her favorite website, Free Republic, and read thousands and thousands and thousands of vitriolic posts, all containing no facts inconsistent with Mr. Hannity’s and no opinions that caused Tonya to rethink her own.

Tonya went to bed last night with a tumbler of cold tequila and a head full of comfy knowledge. She knew that the Lord Jesus would answer her prayer to never let no colored Muslim communist terrorist be no durn president. She was certain she would wake up to find that sassy Sarah Palin and her running mate, a wonderfully mavericky war hero, had been elected instead. In her Christian heart, Tonya was confident that Americans were every bit as racist as Republicans hoped they’d turn out to be, as the much discussed, posted about and wished for “Bradley Effect” would work its reactionary magic at the polls.

But this morning at work, Tonya got sloppy. Maybe she was tired. Maybe just a bit hungover. Whatever the cause for her lapse, she became infected by the Liberal Elite Mainstream Media. As she carelessly bused her table, she inadvertently glanced at a New York Times a suspiciously informed dinner had mischievously left behind. Sensing danger, she tried to look away, but it was too late. She’d already read the headline. Before she could blindfold herself with the rag she was using to wipe the table and repeat her “la la la la MR. FACTS I DON’T HEAR YOU! la la ” incantation, inconvenient information had already burrowed into her head like anthrax spores. Poor Tonya’s bitter heart just couldn’t take the shock: The America of FoxNews and her favorite right wing website wasn’t the America she was walking and breathing in. Before I could call out “But Florida and California still hate the homos!” to revive her, she was gone.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 at 11:58 am and is filed under Amendment 2, Ann Coulter, Barack Obama, Democrats, Florida, Fox News, GOP, Godly Guns for Jesus, Jesus, Patriotism, People who hate America, Proposition 8, Racism and other solved problems, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Traditional Marriage, True Chistian Politics, freedom, gay marriage, homos, pundits, supporting our Blackwater mercenaries, war and other things Jesus wants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 31 responses to “R. I. P. America”

Why not let Betty & Jesus know what you think by adding your own comment? Your opinion is as valid as anyone else not called "Mrs. Betty Bowers", so come on... it's not as if stupidity ever stopped anyone on the Internet from using their keyboard, dear.

1 On November 5th, 2008, Sister Anita B'day said:
It is a sad day for America, or should I say “Amerika”. The future looks bleak indeed: our guns will be taken from us, Christian women will be forced to have abortions, normal heterosexuals will have to endure more television shows about homosexuals and “In God We Trust” will be replaced on our currency with “Allahu Akbar!”

On a no less trivial note, I expect our historic White House to be fully decked out with gold velvet sofas while the busts of our godly Founding Fathers will be replaced with ones of Louis Farrakhan and P Diddy.

posted on November 5th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
2 On November 6th, 2008, Penny Pennington said:
The poor thing! And a waitress! She had so little to lose.

I was at Nordstrom’s in Portland yesterday, where I found a darling pair of shoes that look just like Sarah Palin’s. Well, then I had to find a purse to complement it and a belt too of course and a dress to go with the belt and a couple of cunningly contrasting scarves. I also got a few necessities for Mr. Pennington. If that man were left to care for his own wardrobe, I’d hate to hear what people would have to say about his wife.

Well, to keep a long story from becoming too much longer, before I knew it they were ready to close up shop. I barely had time to collect my free gift for buying only $79 worth of makeup before going.

As I approached Pioneer Courthouse Square, where I board the train for the suburbs, there seemed to be some kind of party going on. People were cheering and dancing and shouting and drivers were blowing their horns. It seems they were celebrating the election of Mr. Obama to be the next President of the USA.

Of course I had seen it coming for days. Mum’s hairdresser had predicted it. That man has the gift of prophesy, even if he is a homosexual–but of the best type, mind you. I think he isn’t really that way but just rebelling against his Mormon family. I don’t blame him.

Betty, I tell you I feel naughty as Tinkerbell but I just got caught up in the moment. They looked like nice people. A few might have been a little artsy-craftsy but city people are different. It was like going to church when we visit the poor branch of my husband’s family–dancing around and talking in tongues and even shouting hallelujah!

Even the car suburbs had a few ecstatic people aboard. We had a gay old time–in the conventional meaning of the term. They left at one of the closer-in stations, as I expected they would.

Do you think they will want to choose a new color for the WHITE House, hahaha? Somehow, I just don’t dread the next four years.

This all started when Mamie Eisenhower decided that the colored children got to join the Easter egg hunt instead of just watching it through the fence.

Somehow I think Mamie is smiling down from Heaven.

posted on November 6th, 2008 at 2:34 am
3 On November 6th, 2008, Girlgoneriled said:
Oh, Sister Anita, how right you are. And don’t forget: That uppity upstart’s elitist friends will force us all to drink lattes and eat brie, while his terrorist pals will be bombing the Ten Commandments statuary on our courthouse lawns…Oh, the humanity.

posted on November 6th, 2008 at 3:58 am
4 On November 6th, 2008, David L. Wylie said:
Surely Mrs. Bowers will have something to say about Amendment 2 and Prop 8. Waiting anxiously!

DLW

posted on November 6th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
5 On November 8th, 2008, Fama Keen said:
Oh, thank goodness! I glanced at the photo and thought it was Sarah Palin after the GOP repossessed her clothes, makeup, and hair, and extracted the Botox and fillers from her face.
Poor Tonya. There’s liable to be others like her across this great nation of ours, stopped in their tracks as if by spontaneous combustion…

posted on November 8th, 2008 at 1:08 am
6 On November 30th, 2008, lex said:
Sorry Tonya Jenkins, guess you couldn’t stand the excitement of life improving under the guidance and governance of a qualified progressive leader. You secretly knew the blaming, the scorn, and the fellowship of hate was gone. Gone too would be your beloved Fox news, cold tequila and favorite website, Free Republic. The shock that one day you would actually have to grow up was just too much for your poor little heart to bear.
So sad, she was much too young…
This is all Clintons fault you know.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
7 On November 30th, 2008, JoelOstomy said:
I knew it’d come to this. The liberals are already taking over our neighborhood, forcing us all to marry gays and perform abortions. And now that Hussein is president, they sit out in front of their elitist mansions eating aborted fetuses with no shame!

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
8 On November 30th, 2008, Richie Rich said:
Tonya left this mortal coil in just the nick of time.
She, being either a waitress or a bus-person, surely
earned less than 250K per annum. Had she stuck around, she would have had to endure the shame of
receiving a tax cut.
Lucky girl, she escaped the horror of it.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
9 On November 30th, 2008, webegeeks said:
Poor thing … a result planned since the beginning of time 6000 years ago. Satan, an apple, and now Obama , an unholy triad of librulhizms. Next, the beast comes and the rapture no doubt. Prepare, the end foretold and now at hand.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
10 On November 30th, 2008, DICKERSON3870 said:
Have I died and gone to Heaven?

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
11 On November 30th, 2008, RALPH said:
LIBTARD [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED]!!!!

LEARN THE TRUTH FOR A CHANGE!!!!

READ THE MORNING AFTER!!!!

DON’T SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIVES…AND ALL OF ETERNITY…WITH PIAPS!!!!

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
12 On November 30th, 2008, Hank Fox said:
Next thing you know, good married Christian women will be raped by homosexuals on the streets, thus producing another generation of hellbound gay sinners.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
13 On November 30th, 2008, Billy Bob Neck said:
My goodness! It’s just gotta stop! We need all the white women we can to have as many babies as it takes to outnumber them towelheads! Maybe now that her mouth been wired shut, Miss Coulter can get on with the bidness of bombing the Jew York Crimes so we can get some DECENT news for a change!

God is Love!
BBN

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
14 On November 30th, 2008, scruzman said:
The true story is that she got drunk on a tumbler of cold tequilla (who would drink hot tequilla anyway…?), flipped on Fox but hit the wrong button and got K. Olbammaman by mistake. Thinking that O’Reilly had morphed, her worst thoughts realized, she finished her drink, turned over and expired.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
15 On November 30th, 2008, elvislives said:
That’s not Tonya Jenkins, that’s Ted Nugent!

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
16 On November 30th, 2008, maher said:
yes california and FA still do find gay marriage wrong as does 90%+ of America including Obama.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
17 On November 30th, 2008, Huggafurbaby said:
Why does the woman pictured have an Adam’s apple? There’s something fishy here?

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
18 On November 30th, 2008, Joe the Homeless said:
The plain [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] truth about the matter is that a waitress aint got a lot of [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] time to pour over the [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] New York Times with her [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] morning latte. She probly had a few kids to round up and ship off to school, do last nights dishes, [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED]can some of the [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] bills that came in the mail, stash last nights tips under the frozen chicken parts in the freezer, iron her uniform, all after four hours sleep cause the middle child was up with a [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] hackin cough all night cause they got no health insurance and she can’t take another day off to sit at the [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] General Hospital all [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] day to get a prescription for medicine she can’t [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] afford to buy.
So, her only source of [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] political wisdom comes from the AM radio the cook’s got on all day, and what her landlord tells her when he comes around tryin to trade a [UNCHRISTIAN WORDS REMOVED] for rent. She doesn’t really give a [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] for politics either since she has all she can do is keep tryin to pay rent and give [UNCHRISTIAN WORDS REMOVED] when she can’t so she can keep from livin in the [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] back of that broken down station wagon.
And you can please excuse the [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] out of Tonya for not showin up at the Obama rally cause all three kids had diarea from that [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] spoiled milk she should have thrown out but didn’t cause there wasn’t anything else. She also didn’t do her duty by reportin every Palin [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED]-up on her blog cause she just aint got a [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] Blackberry and her break at work is only 15 minutes at 10:00, half hour for [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] lunch and 15 minutes at 2:00 which if she could type that [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] fast she wouldn’t be a [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] waitress would she?
If you think about it you might admit that Tonya probly didnt give a [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] who was president as she knew from her hard history that nothin was going to [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] trickle down as far a her [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] waitress job anyway. More likely she [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] died of exhaustion, or maybe dispair and if you actually personally knew a waitress you’d probly understand why she is afraid of Obama. When life’s that [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] hard they’re afraid of [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] everything.

A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

Goodness me, your salty language is so deplorably vulgar. It reminds me of our Lord Jesus’ inebriated rants when He wants to smite somebody who has rubbed Him the wrong way.

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
19 On November 30th, 2008, Joe the Homeless said:
And that [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] Ann coulter, even with mouth wired shut can kiss my [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED].

posted on November 30th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
20 On December 1st, 2008, Michael Meo said:
Thank you, Joe the Homeless.

The premise of this entire post strikes me as unChristian-word-removed condescending.

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 12:39 am
21 On December 1st, 2008, Wee Mousie said:
All her life, poor Tonya Jenkins was told to expect the apocalypse. It would sweep away all those damned effete liberal pinko socialist with their college educated café latte sipping superiority into a great fire that would burn them forever.

Instead, what has been swept away is much of the lies and many of the liars whose twisted logic illuminated the straight and narrow for Tonya.

Now, she will have to start thinking for herself, or find some other prevaricator capable of inventing a new reality for Tanya. One, naturally, which does not recognize that people different from her – and who isn’t – are just as good and necessary as she and her three friends who follow the same talking points that she does.

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 1:14 am
22 On December 1st, 2008, Fargo The Still Employed said:
Oh my goodness, there’s a lot of [VULGAR SECULARIST VERNACULAR REMOVED] licking going on here. I wonder what Jesus thinks about all this immoral [VULGAR SECULARIST VERNACULAR REMOVED].

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 1:52 am
23 On December 1st, 2008, BUFU said:
I just love Betty’s column: poor tanyer! I am prayerful that the new liberalism displants the neo con trash that has permeated for too many years. When the career people find their asses on the street after twenty years of ineptitude they will realize their corporate employer barons are just common thieves.

BUFU

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 7:35 am
24 On December 1st, 2008, America’s Favorite Christian, Betty Bowers, makes me pee my pants, again. » South DaCola said:
[...] Meet Tonya Jenkins. She died of shock this morning. [...]

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 8:54 am
25 On December 1st, 2008, Limp-Dick Blimpaugh said:
That’s no damn women, that’s a really ugly racist, Reslug pig.

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 10:20 am
26 On December 1st, 2008, cliff said:
HAHAHAHA!!! first time here, love the [UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED] outta the whole “[UNCHRISTIAN WORD REMOVED]” thing ..

maybe a little button to check for us non religious types would be in order .. *grin*

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
27 On December 1st, 2008, Florida Christain said:
The Homo Libs dont even read the Bible or they would know that Adam & Eve rode dinosaurs to church every Sunday!

posted on December 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pm
28 On December 2nd, 2008, anti_republocrat said:
Oh, what a shame! Poor Tonya! If she could only have toughed it out for another 6 months she’d have realized how little things are going to change.

http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2008/12/left-behind.html

Now that we have solved all our racial and class problems by electing Obama, there will be no need to repeal Bush’s tax cuts for the people Tonya worships, no need to wage class warfare for Tonya’s benefit. Geithner will see to it banks will get the $700bn bailouts they deserve rather than spending $1 trillion to employ our 10% lazy unemployed for a year at $50,000 each. Tonya could have continued to purchase health insurance from United or Aetna.

Our military will continue to bomb Pakistan, and Jerusalem will remain the undivided capital of Israel. All our options with Iran will be on the table.

Tonya could have lived contentedly, knowing our government will have the best of unwarranted intelligence that Obama voted for and that if things get truly ugly the North American command will be there to straighten things out.

posted on December 2nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
29 On December 3rd, 2008, Chuck said:
Tough Shit.
Deal with it.

posted on December 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
30 On January 24th, 2009, Dave said:
Mein Gott Frau Obama haben ein gut moda . Oops english Mrs. Obama has good fshion sense she should join your church. I am one of those Katylicks whose boss wears red shoes. It will be soo good with those chilllen in the beige house.An just remember Obama is art Jewish so he has a good link to Jesus

posted on January 24th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
31 On February 8th, 2009, K said:
That’s a woman? I’ve seen more feminine faces competing at pro wrasslin’.

posted on February 8th, 2009 at 4:48 pm