THE NO SIN ZONE

Betty & Her Invisible Running Mate on the Issues

3rd December 2007

Betty & Her Invisible Running Mate on the Issues

posted in (foreign) religious fanaticism, Betty on the Issues, Mexicans and other people who talk funny, True Chistian Politics, children left behind, economy, foreign trash, freedom, gasing up your Bentley, my superior values, offending foreigners, orientals, other people's sins, pesky sick, poor people, supporting our Blackwater mercenaries, taxes, wombs and other moist lady parts |

Headline for Policy Statements

With a bracing candor completely foreign to both American politics and conversations intended to keep friends, Mrs. Bowers & Her Invisible Running Mate grab American voters by their plump shoulders and shake some self-serving, xenophobic righteousness into them with their wildly inventive approach to solving problems — even those sneaky problems nobody even knew they had:

FOREIGN POLICY

Nations of the World take note: You’re either slipping us ammo – or you’re the target.

FREEDOM

Or should we say: Free? Dumb! Everyone goes around saying that freedom isn’t free. So why the dickens aren’t we CHARGING for it? Let’s privatize human rights so they are – finally – worth something! Within hours of taking office, we will slap some dollar signs on the few, annoying freedoms that are left – and put the BILL in Bill of Rights!

TAXES

Make so-called “Sin Taxes” live up to their name. Every time someone blasphemes my running mate while driving, covets my husband or, worse, my look — or impetuously casts the first stone before she who is without sin (Mrs. Bowers) gets a clear shot — our administration will hit them with a $1,000 fine. Just think, fines for sins of the flesh by GOP members of Congress alone should ensure an outrageously lavish federal surplus by the end of the first week of our righteous administration!

HEALTH CARE

We propose carpet-bombing less desirable neighborhoods and iffy zip codes with a flurry of 3-color pamphlets scolding poor people about how irresponsible it is to get either a cold or a tumor without getting a Blue Cross card first. These pamphlets will be composed entirely of illiterate-friendly pictograms, as we plan on giving that famous Child Left Behind plenty of company (see “EDUCATION”).

ASIA

China, regrettably, may have more knee-high, pre-teen slaughter house workers than us, but the one thing America will always have more of than anyone is CONVICTS. Isn’t it time America stopped ceding vital markets to China and started selling some of its own convicts’ livers on the medical black market?

VALUES

Let’s make sure nobody in America can buy a loaf of bread, gas up a car or acquire a driver’s license without proclaiming that “Jesus is Lord!” first.

PRO-LIFE

We believe that clammy stuff growing inside a lady’s hoo-hoo is sacred and needs protecting. Of course, after it gets big enough to crawl out, it’s on its own.

MILITARY

Support our brave mercenary war-propheteers in Iraq by granting billions of dollars of new contracts to Blackwater* and Halliburton** – and by giving them immunity from anyone they’ve been delegated to shoot, cheat or genitally electrocute.

* A “14-Karat Cocktail Ring” Level campaign contributor

** An “Heirloom Diamond & Sapphire Tiara” Level campaign contributor.

ENERGY

Instead of the tedium of conservation, isn’t it time we simply turned on our so-called “friend” Saudi Arabia and took their oil? Jesus thinks so! After all, we’ve got all the equipment for an oil field land grab parked right next door in Iraq, none of which seems to be doing anything particularly useful at the moment.

EDUCATION

As Republicans, educating our children is a lose/lose situation. If it fails, we’ve wasted millions that could have lined the camo-pockets of contractual mercenaries in Iraq. And if it works, we wind up with a pack of know-it-alls who “understand” Evolution. As such, we propose a cautious approach to education, which will avoid any unnecessary or premature informing of our youngsters. After all, students filling public high schools today may well wind up as bodies filling flag-draped caskets tomorrow, thanks to an a never-ending string of Christian/Muslim Holy Wars currently being planned or provoked. Since education is seldom our friend, let’s be frugal and wait until each prospective student crawls off the bloody battlefield one last time before we lavish him with used textbooks and a No. 2 pencil.

RELIGIOUS FANATICISM

Jesus feels strongly that America’s Fundamentalist Christians need to beat Islam at its own little game. If we are truly diligent, we can unearth even more enormous penises in even MORE Disney cartoons, proving to Muslims everywhere just how lackadaisical and apathetic the Taliban truly is!

IMMIGRATION

If folks in America are going to be standing in line at the Western Union to send shoeboxes of cash back to avaricious relatives in foreign lands, let’s at least make sure that when they open their mouths to speak gibberish it’s Pentecostal tongues – and not Mexican! – that comes out!

ECONOMY

We propose continuing the current Republican policy of slapping the American economy on a Bank of China VISA card! What’s in your wallet, America? Because Jesus knows it isn’t cash!

This entry was posted on Monday, December 3rd, 2007 at 3:03 pm and is filed under (foreign) religious fanaticism, Betty on the Issues, Mexicans and other people who talk funny, True Chistian Politics, children left behind, economy, foreign trash, freedom, gasing up your Bentley, my superior values, offending foreigners, orientals, other people's sins, pesky sick, poor people, supporting our Blackwater mercenaries, taxes, wombs and other moist lady parts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 16 responses to “Betty & Her Invisible Running Mate on the Issues”

Why not let Betty & Jesus know what you think by adding your own comment? Your opinion is as valid as anyone else not called "Mrs. Betty Bowers", so come on... it's not as if stupidity ever stopped anyone on the Internet from using their keyboard, dear.

  1. 1 On December 4th, 2007, STEVE BONZAI said:

    I BELIEVE

    A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

    Just remember: You’re not saved until your check clears my off-shore account, dear.

    posted on December 4th, 2007 at 12:23 am

  2. 2 On December 5th, 2007, sebsam said:

    You’ve got my vote! Let’s rid the world of ragheads and the French!

    posted on December 5th, 2007 at 1:13 pm

  3. 3 On December 9th, 2007, muguette said:

    With ideology like that it’s fairly obvious you’ve never been outside of the country- then maybe you’d realise not everywhere is it as bad as you seem to make out to be. Sometimes it’s even better.

    posted on December 9th, 2007 at 6:32 am

  4. 4 On December 9th, 2007, George W. Bush said:

    Dick Cheney’s the Vice President, you say?

    A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

    More like the President of Vice, dear.

    – Betty

    posted on December 9th, 2007 at 2:04 pm

  5. 5 On December 9th, 2007, Kim said:

    Dearest Betty,
    I am so delighted to see you are back and are actively attempting to shift the political cesspool into the backyards of the unholy.
    So sorry to hear you are already spoken for ( your husband ), but hopefully you will divorce him as no one but our dear jesus is good enough for you! Lowly folks, such as myself, can only dream of knowing you more intimately. Sigh. Anyway I am sending heartfelt hugs and wet kisses.
    Your # 1 fan,
    Kimbo

    posted on December 9th, 2007 at 4:55 pm

  6. 6 On December 10th, 2007, Bill Lempke said:

    Mrs. Bowers,
    Has your Running Mate’s Dad given you His endorsement? If He has, go tell it on the mountain (Stone Mountain, dear, not Gstaad)! You might persuade some of Ted Haggard’s swarm to vote for you, along with the rabble who used to follow Jerry Fallwell.
    From a true believer in the power of Betty.

    A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

    Jesus is a bit reluctant to ask Himself if He can run, as the last time He asked Himself something that irked Himself, He sent Himself to Earth and wound up on a splintery cross.

    As for Ted Haggard’s denomination, clearly being some of the most easily hoodwinked voters in America, Mike Huckabee and I are going to be fighting tooth and nine-inch nail for them. But, frankly, after the shooting this weekend, I’m inclined to let Mike have them.

    posted on December 10th, 2007 at 5:09 pm

  7. 7 On December 10th, 2007, George said:

    Thank you Betty! Thank you Jesus! I believe!!

    posted on December 10th, 2007 at 8:57 pm

  8. 8 On December 12th, 2007, alex said:

    hi there iwas so amazed that you think you are a god.saying how many people you saved on this website. can i touch the hem on your garment?it sure tells me that you are so quick to criticise, but don’t know the truth yourself, so full of yourself. thanx for the humor today i needed that.
    alex

    A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

    You are most welcome, dear. As for touching the hem of my vintage Galliano, I must insist that you resist such a, no doubt, impelling temptation. It will only lead to more grabbing. It always does.

    posted on December 12th, 2007 at 12:09 pm

  9. 9 On December 14th, 2007, Saddened By It All said:

    Why do people find satisfaction in putting down and beating up on others? Life is hard enough without having small shallow people smashing at others.


    A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

    If Mike Huckabee wants to put down homos, you leave him alone, dear!

    posted on December 14th, 2007 at 1:58 pm

  10. 10 On December 15th, 2007, Imani said:

    This was one of the most wonderful blog posts I’ve ever read. I can’t even decide which one of your strategies is my favourite policy: energy, economy, education? Thank you so much for entering into public service, Mrs. Bowers.

    posted on December 15th, 2007 at 11:59 am

  11. 11 On December 19th, 2007, Sister Anita Biday said:

    I know who I’ll be voting for! It is so good to see a True Christian finally running for office. I was despairing over having to choose between two cult members (one a divorced Mary worshipper and the other a magic underwear-wearing Mormon).

    posted on December 19th, 2007 at 5:19 am

  12. 12 On December 20th, 2007, Paul Belanger said:

    Hello Betty!
    What is your position on polygamy?
    I am a proud Christian and happily married for 30 years. If Mitt Romney is elected President, then he will outlaw monogamy. Will that mean I have to take a second wife?

    A Righteous Response from America’s Best Christian:

    The Old Testament makes it clear that the Lord was rather keen on men who maintained their own matrimonial brothels. Moses had two wives and, in a shameless example of one-upmanship, Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines! (Never in history has the utterance of “He went to Jared!” posed a greater risk of widespread unrest, even rioting.)

    Always eager to undermine His Father, Jesus, tellingly, went in the other direction on this issue. Instead of encouraging men to regard matrimony as akin to shopping at Sam’s Warehouse — buy in bulk! — He advised His followers to dump the few wives they already had.

    As for those nutty Mormons, unless you are currently standing in a dusty compound in Utah, surrounded by a pack of women dressed like Sweet Betsy from Pike — with faces crying out for a vigorous make-over — then you needn’t worry about the word “polygamy” being raised. Most Mormons seem as embarrassed by Joseph Smith’s fondness for the idea as we True Christians™ are by our Lord’s.

    posted on December 20th, 2007 at 6:18 pm

  13. 13 On December 27th, 2007, LAUGHING TO TEARS said:

    This must be the funniest thing I have ever read in my life! I’m going to proceed to elaborate on why this is so humorously ridiculous.

    On your “Foreign Policy” section, you are basically saying that if elected, you are imposing a threat on all countries that don’t support the, as I like to call it, Republican Initiated Bloodbath. In what way can you justify this ignorant concept? Wouldn’t that be murder? Who would you really consider evil here?

    On “Freedom” you claim that if elected, you will “put the BILL in Bill of Rights.” If you knew what the Bill actually stands for, you would see that it is an idiom meaning to fulfill a purpose or need. This document was created by the Founding Fathers of this nation to protect the automatic rights of being a human being. They are standards for keeping peace, and no one, no mater how justified they think they are, can remove these. Ever heard of the Social Contract Theory? If you’re running for president, you’d better learn about it quick, because it’s what’s expected of you. You must protect the rights of the people!

    On your preposterous concept of “sin taxes,” I would like to point out to you that this “Christian Nation” is governed by this sweet little concept of SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE. America was designed for people to be able to worship who they want, when they want, and however they want, and to tolerate the religious practices of others. “Sin” is separation from god (whomever that may be to you) and cannot be something that constitutes federal punishment when there are many different religions to base this off of. How on earth would you accomplish this anyway? Invade privacy? I don’t think so.

    Oh, and your health-care solution is about as effective as a square tire. The cost of the war alone could have provided free health care for everyone for a very long time. Europe has it. You obviously think you have some good ideas. I think they’ve done something more beneficial and successful than carpet-bombing the ghetto. Very immature idea.

    Selling convicts livers on the black market? You’ve got quite the sick mind. That’s all that needs to be said on the so-called “Competing with Clever Orientals” agenda.

    Now, uh, the “imposing our Values” states that you want everyone to basically turn into robots, or sheep, or something of the conforming sort, in this multi-cultural nation. I don’t see how you can do that, especially when the church has picked the wrong battles for itself and lost most popularity with the individuals who have common sense.

    You’ll never be taken seriously when your pro-life agenda contains the phrase “clammy stuff growing inside a lady’s hoo-hoo.” I really hope that wasn’t an attempt level with the American people. Most 14 year olds even understand the process of an abortion. The Supreme Court got it right over 30 years ago. Let it be at that. You should be thanking God that the Constitution wasn’t wasted on topics like that.

    Now the military section is where you start to just sound crazy. Do the words “by giving them immunity from anyone they’ve been delegated to shoot, cheat or genitally electrocute” seriously sound like the words of a Christian? I’m almost convinced that you’re the anti-Christ.

    Education is in the hole. Too bad for all the kids that are going to have to suffer from the dumbed down education system of the future. No Child Left Behind Act didn’t do anything for our country. ANYTHING! Admit it!

    The entire “religious fanaticism” section sounds like it was written by a drunk Sunday School teacher. Disney? Like that’s important in politics. And since when are the Taliban and Muslims the same thing?

    posted on December 27th, 2007 at 12:09 pm

  14. 14 On December 27th, 2007, LAUGHING TO TEARS said:

    Now, your solution to the energy crisis is a lot more wholesome. Waltzing into Saudi Arabia and taking their oil sounds like a great idea! I’m sure they won’t complain, seeing it’s from “God” and all. And what gives you the right to say what Jesus thinks?

    Did you seriously, in “Immigration,” refer to the beautiful language of Spanish (what they SPEAK in the COUNTRY of MEXICO) as Mexican? The hispanics are going to be the majority of this population, whether you like it or not, so you better respect them, or it won’t look too good for pushy fanatics like you. You’re worse than Ann Coulter. She’s at least not completely ignorant, just very rude.

    If you think throwing America into the hands of China is a good idea, I feel that I have wasted my time trying to get a few words in. You are obviously an insignificant candidate, and my research on you has ended with this miserable page. I rest easy though on the fact that you have no chance of winning. I will bookmark this page and check back in the next couple of weeks, just from my curiosity of what you’ll reply. If you’re really an honest respectable person, you won’t attack me for my beliefs, but say what you can to back up yours. If you can’t, then my apathy for you existence can best be displayed by an empty gift basket. I dread you like death, self-proclaimed “America’s best Christian.” The one who wants to steal from Saudi Arabia and allow corporations to continue with their dastardly prerogatives.

    posted on December 27th, 2007 at 12:25 pm

  15. 15 On February 27th, 2008, Paulbe said:

    getting quite scared by the number of jesus lovin’ posters around who think you are serious. No wonder FOX rates like it does.

    posted on February 27th, 2008 at 8:25 am

  16. 16 On May 12th, 2009, Corrine said:

    :O So much info :D

    posted on May 12th, 2009 at 5:52 am

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