Dear Saved Good-Book Worms:
Since we, as True Christians, have banned almost every book in sight, we often find ourselves with a dearth of selection when it comes to choosing appropriate reading material for our precious children. And it's not as if the Bible, with the Lord's penchant for racy sexuality and vicious mayhem, is appropriate for anyone we don't intentionally wish to shock!
I can't tell you how many mothers have come up to me in public and asked, "Betty, by the way you look stunning, what can I do about my children asking for witchcraft manuals like Harry Potter?" On the few times I actually acknowledge these fawning celebrity-seekers before turning them over to my entourage to deal with, I say: "A wild imagination is only admirable when the author is writing a canonized Gospel, dear. To allow children to embrace any newer fiction simply encourages them to be less likely to unquestioningly adopt the stories we blindly swallowed from our deceitful parents like the whopper about the man who lived in a whale."
It is with this in mind that I am always on the lookout for those rare books that are suitable for both the decor and decorrum of a Christian home. This month, I am proud to introduce my readers to the works of Marge Davis. Some of you may know Marge because I have helped her in times of marital crisis and she advertises on my website. What you may not know is that Mrs. Davis is just one more Christian who has parlayed her faith in the Almighty Lord into the almighty dollar by becoming a very successful Christian children's author. Marge specializes in books that warn our sometimes too-friendly offspring about the perils of befriending foreigners and people of false (that is, other) faiths.
Once upon a time, it was enough simply to warn our children not to accept candy from strangers. That was when our country was filled with Real Americans, who knew the boundaries of what they could get away with without causing the temperamental Lord to snap. Now, our country is filled with non-European trash that not only mocks our precious Savior, but embraces satanic surrogates with ghetto-fabulous names like "Muhammad" and "Allah." True Christians must take up arms in the battle against Secular Humanists and their nefarious catchphrases "diversity" and its pernicious cousin "tolerance." Marge's illustrated books are a wonderful start!
So Close To Jesus, I am immune to lawsuits because no civil proceeding can be brought against me unless I am allowed to Rule 19 in all three persons of the Trinity as Indispensable Parties (which is never possible because, regrettably, they no longer have "minimum contacts" with America to satisfy jurisdictional requirements),