Dear Saved Good-Book Worms:

Since we, as True Christians, have banned almost every book in sight, we often find ourselves with a dearth of selection when it comes to choosing appropriate reading material for our precious children. And it's not as if the Bible, with the Lord's penchant for racy sexuality and vicious mayhem, is appropriate for anyone we don't intentionally wish to shock!

I can't tell you how many mothers have come up to me in public and asked, "Betty, by the way you look stunning, what can I do about my children asking for witchcraft manuals like Harry Potter?" On the few times I actually acknowledge these fawning celebrity-seekers before turning them over to my entourage to deal with, I say: "A wild imagination is only admirable when the author is writing a canonized Gospel, dear. To allow children to embrace any newer fiction simply encourages them to be less likely to unquestioningly adopt the stories we blindly swallowed from our deceitful parents – like the whopper about the man who lived in a whale."

It is with this in mind that I am always on the lookout for those rare books that are suitable for both the decor and decorrum of a Christian home. This month, I am proud to introduce my readers to the works of Marge Davis. Some of you may know Marge because I have helped her in times of marital crisis and she advertises on my website. What you may not know is that Mrs. Davis is just one more Christian who has parlayed her faith in the Almighty Lord into the almighty dollar by becoming a very successful Christian children's author. Marge specializes in books that warn our sometimes too-friendly offspring about the perils of befriending foreigners and people of false (that is, other) faiths.

Once upon a time, it was enough simply to warn our children not to accept candy from strangers. That was when our country was filled with Real Americans, who knew the boundaries of what they could get away with without causing the temperamental Lord to snap. Now, our country is filled with non-European trash that not only mocks our precious Savior, but embraces satanic surrogates with ghetto-fabulous names like "Muhammad" and "Allah." True Christians must take up arms in the battle against Secular Humanists and their nefarious catchphrases "diversity" and its pernicious cousin "tolerance." Marge's illustrated books are a wonderful start!

So Close To Jesus, I am immune to lawsuits because no civil proceeding can be brought against me unless I am allowed to Rule 19 in all three persons of the Trinity as Indispensable Parties (which is never possible because, regrettably, they no longer have "minimum contacts" with America to satisfy jurisdictional requirements),

True Christian Guides to Instilling Godly Fear of the Unusual or Different in Your Impressionable Little Children

by Christian Entrepreneur and Children's Author Mrs. Marge Davis

Manny the Murdering Muslim

Appropriate for ages old enough to withstand the kick from a M16/AR-15 rifle (approx. ages 4 through 12, depending on the fey timidity of your child). Foldout target practice outlines will teach your youngsters the necessity of precision aim when picking off foreigners. After all, sometimes a shot through a turban only drives a wad of cotton into the wall!

Shelia the Slutty Shiite Shrew's Semi-automatic Slaughter
Wonderful for not only teaching children how to overcome an embarrassing lisp, but also how to spot potential terrorists among their Pre-K classmates. Using easy rhymes and relentless alliteration, youngsters will find that learning to recognize Arabs by sight and smell is so much fun, they will forget they are learning! From counter-espionage ("Is that slice of Swiss on that goat-eye sandwich really plastic explosives?") to defensive immolation ("Who said a water balloon has to contain water?"), your child will learn countless fun ways to remind even the youngest foreigner whose country this is!
Jesus, Will My Islamic Playmate Butcher Me to Death?
As the Lord answers in the prologue to this delightful children's book: "Yes, little Bobby. At the first chance he gets!"

Children love to play hide-and-seek and the game becomes exponentially more thrilling when they are hiding from grenade-tossing, Jesus-hating Islamic nuts that never shower. This bracing story follows little Bobby Blue, of Muncie, Indiana, as he tries to hide from his machete-wielding classmate, 8-year-old Muhammad Cabaña. Muhammad is a Koran-quoting cutthroat, who wears a nose-ring and enough yards of fabric twirled around his dirty hair to make bridesmaid dresses for a Town and Country wedding. Muhammad uses lies, knives and spicy food to try to lure little Bobby away from his love for the Lord Jesus. Just when Muhammad corners little Bobby in an alley behind Mr. Walters' drug store, wailing high-pitched, wildly oscillating Islamic battle cries that shatter little Bobby's new glasses, the Blessed Lord intervenes and peels the layers of skin off Muhammad as if they were just a stack of brown Post-Its. This book is perfect for teaching your babies the excruciating torture the Blessed Lord has in store for those who dress oddly or neglect to flatter Jesus.

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