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Betty Bowers' Christian Crackwhore Ministry
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Is pleased to announce the signing of its new celebrity spokesperson:
Whitney Houston
Featuring Victor Calderone Remixes of
"Girl, We Got Some X!"
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Click on the version you want to hear
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Original Version Real Audio
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Remix Real Audio
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Mrs. Bowers is so excited that she was able to rouse Whitney Houston long enough to sign an exclusive agreement to be Betty's Christian Crackwhore Ministry's new celebrity spokesperson. Truly, what other star, since Billie Holliday is no longer with us, could better put a glamorous face to the world of Christian Crackwhores everywhere? Who else could offer the inspiration for these feckless creatures to realize that you don't have to go through life as a poor drug-addict -- you can be a very rich one, too? Praise the Lord! |
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"Bitches messed up on crack is a cause close to my heart. Are those Reese's peanut butter cups? Oh, and I have been very busy during the past year raising Christian crackwhore awareness. Dig? I want to take this moment to thank God Almighty for making me His special messanger -- Hey Bobby! I got you something special right here, baby! [Lifts up her already too-short skirt] Yeah, it ain't all you can eat, it's all you care to eat! Yeah, you know that right, baby! Anyway, what I was saying is that I try to be real Christlike and sh-t. Dig? Hey, Bobby, was that that Porsche I buy you at the bottom of the pool this morning, baby? Anyway, what was I saying?"
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Over a 3-month period, Ms. Houston was able to show up to the studio enough to actually record this new song for Mrs. Bowers' ministry. On back-up vocals are four of Mrs. Bowers' Christian Crackwhores: Diphtheria, Emphysema, Cholera and Sister Fibrosis. The song is entitled "Girl, We Got Some X!" Mrs. Bowers has absolutely no idea what that means as she long ago gave up trying to decipher minority slang.
I must warn you: Ms. Houston is not sounding her best in this recording. Yes, her voice has deteriorated, but don't be too terribly alarmed. Things have not gotten so bad that she has actually started to sound like that harlot Mariah Carey. In other words, if you listen, your stemware should be entirely safe -- although you may wish to get pets out of the house. According to Ms. Houston's rather harried public relations flack, her vocal limitations can be attributed to (a) exhaustion; (b) dehydration; (c) addiction to prescription pain killers; (d) a sore throat; or (e) being married to a worthless crackhead. Take your pick.
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Whitney's 2003 "Too Rich For Crack" World Tour
(Concert dates subject to cancellation without warning or antidote.)
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