Mrs. Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore Ministry
I started my wildly profitable "Christian Crack Whore Ministry" franchise after seeing a roving pack of strung-out streetwalkers from the back seat of one of my ministry Bentleys. To spend so much of one's day on one's knees without praying struck me as an appalling oversight of the possibilities of multitasking! I mean, if you're going to be on your knees 14-25 times a day, why not pray while they're down there?

By humanely easing these industrious tramps off of crack cocaine with compassionate fistfuls of OxyContins, Darvons, Demerols and Percocets mixed with Chivas Regal, I am showing these tawdry harlots how they can embrace respectable Republican values without any discernable sacrifice of the buzz for which they are so eagerly debased. And without having to pay retail crack prices, these working girls suddenly find that they have more disposable income for the one thing that leads to salvation: tithing! Praise the Lord!

-- Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian


Press Release: Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore Ministry announces a new celebrity spokesperson: Whitney Houston! Hear her new song "Girl, We Got Some X!" exclusively for Betty Bowers
Song: Christian Crack Whores sing "Happy Birthday, Miss Thing!"
News: Christian Crack Whores in the News
Shop: BUY Christian Crack Whore Shirts, Mugs and Gifts
Mrs. Betty Bowers Christian Crack Whore Ministry is the proud International Sponsor for Whitney Houston's "Crack is Wack" World Tour

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