The Internet's Most Gracious Method of Telling Someone That They Are Going Straight To Hell
Is someone you know less perfect than you in his or her lackadaisical facsimile of faith? As a True Christian, it is your responsibility to remind them of how much more the Lord dotes on you – and that He plans to have them tortured for an eternity in Hell while you are feted with cold drinks and knowing glances in your immaculately landscaped mansion in God's Glory. After all, it undermines the enjoyment of being better than everyone else if you can't take a moment out of your busy day to remind them of this simple, immutable fact.

Jesus, of course, told us to give away all our worldly possessions (Matthew 19:21), desert our families (Matthew 19:29) and help the poor (Luke 12:33). Well, as any American Christian can tell you, there simply isn't enough time in our hectic week of shopping to comply with Jesus' onerous suggestions. Indeed, most True Christians find that they are often without the moments necessary to give everyone they meet a good, old-fashioned ear-splitting rebuke.

Well, Mrs. Betty Bowers' Christian ministries is about to change all that by using the otherwise demonic Internet to deliver well-crafted rebukes to people in need – or those who simply rub you the wrong way.

Person-to-person rebukes, though not without their charms, are now a thing of the past, thanks to Mrs. Bowers' E-buke. You can either send an E-buke letting someone know they are unsaved on this page -- or CLICK HERE to send an E-buke to let them know that they are a Fake Christian who makes Jesus Vomit.
You no longer have to suffer the unpleasantness of looking sinners in the eye to upbraid them with such ferocity and fervor that it will blow their hair back. Just click below, fill out your name and the name and e-mail address of the appalling person you wish to rebuke, and Mrs. Bowers will do the rest!
Here is what your automated E-buke will say:


From: The Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee (Subcommittee for the Irretrievably Lost, Whether Catholics, Mormons, Muslims or Unrepentant Serial Killers)


Re: Your Salvation

As the vessel of the Lord's perfect message of boundless wrath and annoyance with His imperfect creations, the matter of your wistful hopes of salvation was brought before the full board of the Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee on this very day.

After a suitable time for contemplation, no matter how seemingly brief, it was determined by unanimous consent of all True Christians present the following findings of fact:

1.You are a thoroughly annoying person;

2.Your presence in God's Glory would make it extremely difficult for "Heaven" to live up to its name; and

3.Therefore, you have been damned to an everlasting Hell, to have your flesh gnawed at by voracious hoofed demons.

The Lord has specifically asked us to remind you that your consignment to perpetual torture at the hands of deranged beasts of His making should in no manner be construed as any indication that the Lord has, by either design or omission, discontinued His unconditional love of you. And, further, you are not to construe our relief in the knowledge that we shall not be sharing God's Glory with someone as appallingly wretched as you (or the look of sublime delight that flashes across our otherwise inscrutable faces when we contemplate the agony of your much deserved destiny) as diminishing our love for you as True Christians.

Wishing you a speedy descent,

Mrs. Betty Bowers, Chairlady & America's Best Christian

New! An E-Buke to send to "Jesus is Love" False Christians!

New Age "Jesus is Love" Hallmark Greeting Card Christians make the real Jesus reach for His Vicodin! Now, you can let them know how irritating their Disneyfied Jesus is to the wrathful God depicted in the Bible. Send them an automated, head-spinning rebuke: the E-buke! Just press a button and Betty & Jesus do the rest!

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