Dear Mrs Bowers,
While I was in my immaculate kitchen this afternoon whipping up an apple pie for the All American Abortion Haters (AAAH) rally tomorrow after Church, my thinking of patriotic thoughts and humming of hymns praising the Lord was interrupted by a nagging worriation. You see, my darling husband, who I love also most as much as my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, has become of concern. We met two years ago at one of your inspiring B. A. S. H. (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals) rallies where he took his vows of heterosexuality and Christian purity. Our eyes met and it was the Lord's will that we wed.
In recent months, however, his enthusiam for our Christian "union" has faded. He spends most of his free time lifting weights, going to the tanning salon and having his body waxed. He also is spending a lot of time at our outreach program for homo teen boys (Juniors and Adults In the Lord's Bountiful And Inspired Trust - J. A. I. L. B. A. I. T.) and comes home simply exhausted. I am always prepared for my wifely duties, just as my Mama taught me... flannel nightgown with sox, lie flat on back, recite the Lord's Prayer over and over while your Christian husband does the unspeakable. Mama taught me that enjoying this disgusting act was the toll free interstate highway to Hell, so I clench my teeth as I begin my recitation. But recently my husband rarely visits my bedroom and troubles me for this disgusting activity. Does he need a B. A. S. H. refresher?
Your confused and ever faithful follower,
Velma Verna Breedlove