I recently became aware through your wonderful ministry that I am going to Hell because I cannot bear children (1 Timothy 2:15). As I'm sure you can imagine, I am in utter despair. I have nothing to wear!
Since The Word says that we must be prepared, I want to do the right thing, so I am seeking your wise counsel. What shall I wear in Hell? I have heard that the traditional sackcloth and ashes is now hopelessly passe, besides being nearly impossible to accessorize, so what is fashionable now for the well-dressed reprobate? I realize that diamonds are reserved only for those who are destined for Heaven, so may I wear rubies? Is a little black dress appropriate? What about a hat? It would be so nice to finally see nice hats make a comeback! Are gloves worn in the fiery pit? Since it is a place of agony and torture, I am assuming that I would be required to wear high heels.
I sincerely appreciate your guidance. After all, everyone knows that eternal damnation is no excuse for a lady to not look her very best.