I am so upset and distressed. I spent New year's Eve with Ted and Jane. Poor, dear, sweet old Jane, she could not even stay up until midnight to ring in the new century, being almost one herself. Can you imagine? And I would never dream of showing up at a trendy club or bistro before midnight, so there I was all alone with Ted!
Well, the next thing I knew we were drinking the most wonderfully complicated champagne - I can't recall the brand and I do so want to try it again. I will have to remember to make a note to ask Jane what it was. Then the most surprising thing happened -- Ted came in my mouth! It was a complete accident and that is certainly not the type thing I do until I am certain someone is ready to leave their spouse! It started out as a joke, but I guess I was nibbling harder than I thought and the poor man is obviously so very deprived.
I could not even bear to look Jane in the eyes the next day. Speaking of Jane, her bargain basement ways really disturb poor Ted and she wears the cheapest of sunglasses. As far as plastic surgery one can just take things too far......the other night when we were talking, Ted accidentally touched my breasts. The poor man, how I felt for him, his eyes filled with tears....as he told me how long it had been since he had felt such natural, vibrant flesh! I felt, (especially since it was the holidays) that it was the least I could do to let him indulge the feel of a real woman instead of plastic domes as hard as croquet balls that Jane had built to try to rope him into marriage. Well, he may have been fooled for a while, but he is not anymore. I have never met a more wonderful billionaire!