Dear Sister in Christ:

First, let's talk about Coach for a moment. Now is the time to tell your godson that while Coach may be relatively expensive, it is decidedly domestic and lacks the panache of foreign leathers. And, dear, when I say "foreign" I'm not talking about the Czech Republic! Let's face it, Louis V, while almost ceding its market to flashy, uncouth negroes, has finally placed it's done-to-death LV motif to the side, and has come up with some charming textured leather numbers, although in colors still too garish for Mrs. Bowers. Gucci, thanks to that saint Tom Ford, has also finally come out of a dreadfully tacky phase. Hallelujah! The Lord led them out of the Valley of The Relentlessly Cheesy. Gucci once again has lovely leathers (although with all the rhinestone and feathers creations from their "Anorexic Elvis" collection, tailor made to vulgar tastes of some of their celebrity clientele - well, let's name names -Madonna, I'm worried that Gucci is, once again, succumbing to pandering to the nouveau riche.) In any event, Louis V and Gucci are not really suitable to the more relaxed motif of a college campus, no matter how artfully it replicates Cambridge. Therefore, I would advise a simple black vinyl Prada backpack. They are incredibly cheap - you can get a lovely one for less than $1,000! So, that is what I would go with, dear.

Now, I don't mean to alarm you, but this is a godson and not a goddaughter we are talking about, isn't it, dear? I will still my perfectly lined lips from imparting horrid news, but a young man who spends his evenings dreaming about expensive leather bags does send up a red - neigh, rainbow - flag to the highly trained ears of Mrs. Bowers. Therefore, dear, I suggest that when you give this young man his lovely new Prada backpack, you throw in a few $4,000 coupons that will entitle him to visit my Ex-Gay Ministry "Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals." BASH has a wonderful success rate (compared to other such ministries, that is) and I would enjoy having the company of someone who appreciates quality!

So Close To Jesus, We've Bought Investment Property Together,