Recently, Yahoo! did something that should surprise no one -- it certified me as an expert in Christianity. This entitles me to impart my unique wisdom on this particular topic to people who wander in off the Net seeking solace and enlightenment. Much to my surprise, some other so-called "Experts" in Christianity have taken exception to my advice -- no doubt, because my proximity to Jesus gives me the celestial equivalent of a "ALL  ACCESS backstage pass." Truly, jealousy is such an unpleasant thing (I am, of course, speculating). In any event, the following are actual questions submitted to me by real people at Yahoo, followed by my unaltered answers:

What is the meaning of life?

I see no evidence of the meaning of life. Indeed, life seems, if anything, more mean 2,000 years ago – if the Bible is any indication.
Did you know if you say Jesus backwards it comes out sausage?
Actually, that is how a well-worn phrase in our lexicon came about, dear. After some well-intentioned enquiries about how Mary *really* got pregnant, she said in her quaint dyslexic way: "You never want to see Sesuj being made."
Can God make something totally black and totally white at the same time?
Michael Jackson.
Reconcile this..Genesis 2:15, God tells man not to eat of the forbidden tree. 2:18, God creates woman. 3:1-2, The serpent asks Eve about what God said. 3:3, "but God said, You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree..."----How did Eve know what God said since she was not created when God spoke to Adam. She speaks as if she were there....And please don't tell me that she was just because Adam's rib was used....
Since women are notorious gossips, we assume, Eve spoke to her husband before they had that terrible row. What is far more interesting is what went on between God and Satan.  You see, God told a lie and Satan told them the truth.  God said that if they ate from the tree of knowledge, they would die on that day. Satan told Eve that this was not true. Of course, as we know, Satan was right. As True Christians, it is not ours to question why God is wont to lie. Of course, we might, after a few glasses of wine, ask Him where is the justice in punishing man for evil BEFORE man had eaten of the tree and knew the difference between good and evil – but I don't advise such impertinence if you don't wish to incur the Lord's ever-ready wrath.
Why do Christians close their eyes and raise their arms when they sing on those Christian CD infomercials? They look like they are playing a game of blind man catch...
Surely, if they were listening to Christian music, they would prefer to be playing a game of deaf man catch, dear.
Since Catholics technically drink the blood of Christ, can they be considered vampires?
Those Mary-worshipping idolatrous catamites are so otherwise sinful that their penchant for taking a swig of our Savior's Blood (type A) hardly bears mention, dear.  I do have it from reliable, if not reputable, Catholic sources that the blood of Christ tends to be light in tannins with a blackberry-tobacco finish.
When the devil tempted Jesus after his 40 day fast (40 days would kill anyone) what form did the devil take and is he still roaming the earth as we speak?
It is quite clear from scripture (Satan showing Jesus all the Kingdoms and offering them) that Lucifer took the form of a RE/MAX Realtor®

I suspect that Satan is still working the Upper East Side of Manhattan peddling condominiums.

Of course, Jesus should have reported Satan to the Judea Board of Realtors, as it is quite clear that Satan was not authorized to offer the property that he showed Jesus. Further, never the eager shopper, how tempted could Jesus have been? Unless he was rendered absolutely stupid by hunger, he should have known that he could get a much better deal from God than Satan, who only has access to the lockboxes for kingdoms in this world and is inflexible about his commission. But I guess Jesus, as an all-powerful god, being "tempted" is sort of like him "dying" – He knew it couldn't really happen, but it makes for an engaging story nonetheless.
It has come to my attention that I have not posted one of my award winning questions in a while. To remedy this situation I shall ask the following....According to Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth." Why is it "heavens" and not "heaven"?
The Lord's first novel was (Holy) Ghost written and is therefore inerrant (though sloppily edited). As such, the plural "Heavens" is intentional. You see, the Lord provides several Heavens, some being more exquisitely landscaped than others. Furthermore, there has to be a separate place to put people who showed their love of the Lord through self-immolation. Rules are rules, so they get into a Heaven, but they tend to be very needy, unstable and prone to showy displays that are annoying to people and singe their feathers, so the Lord is careful not to tell them WHICH Heaven they will automatically gain access to once the fire is doused.
I am concerned about my sister. She and I have never been real close but I am tried to bring her to Jesus. I am concerned about some things she has said when she was angry. Things I can't repeat. Basically she swore at the Holy Spirit. My pastor says that that is the only sin that God will never ever forgive. Is this true? Is my sister lost? This breaks my heart.
Your sister is indeed lost to eternal damnation, so any time you spend with her is completely wasted. Indeed, you would be better off using the time to shop for a kicky pair of new shoes, rather than trying to futilely bring unsavable trash to Jesus. Listen to Him for a change -- He has already said He doesn't want to have anything to do with her! Honestly, you risk really annoying Jesus by pestering Him with prayers for someone who makes Him want to vomit.

It is too late for your trashy sister, but allow her damnation to be a lesson to you. When approaching the Trinity, it pays to keep in mind who is most likely to get their little feelings hurt (the Holy Ghost) and who is most likely to hold a grudge (God). The Holy Ghost is apparently very touchy about criticism (let's face it, we've all got friends like that) so I suggest you simply say, "my, those feathers are lovely!" or "what a charming little ring of flames!" (depending on which guise He takes) and leave your criticism to Jesus, as He seems the most forgiving of the Three.
Watching the news recently, I have noticed that the Chinese don't look like us whities. How does the bible account for the difference? Which of Noah's sons had almond eyes?
They were quite clearly the result of some nocturnal encounters by Noah’s son and some shipboard Siamese cats. Truly, as a Republican who would adore going to war with all of them this very moment, I must say that the Chinese are more trouble than they are worth – it was a lot easier when we had them all addicted to opium.
Does being Christian mean being closed minded to other ideas and interpretations?
The devil's greatest weapons are reason and investment property. It is far more dangerous to give into the former, dear.
Will all the cavemen and women go to heaven? And did Adam and Eve live a cave?
Metropolitan Eden would hardly have been considered "Paradise" by Milton or any reputable Realtor had Adam and Eve lived in a cave, dear. Of course, Adam and Eve, Noah, Moses, Abraham and all those feckless people from the Old Testament are currently being tormented by demons in an everlasting Hell. You see, since Jesus had not been born, they could not accept Him as their personal savior and, thus, they died unsaved. On the face, it seems a pity, but most of them probably smell dreadful so –honestly—who would want them in Heaven anyway? Besides, would there truly be enough room for all of King Solomon's concubines?
BETTY BOWERS, I have another question for you. Is it ever ok for men to wear panty hose?
Only over their heads when they are robbing a bank. Stealing is a forgivable sin. Cross-dressing, on the other hand, is an unforgivable sin – against both God and, more importantly, good taste.
How do you receive salvation, and do you believe in the trinity. Please explain.
As a True Christian lady, you receive salvation as you would anything – with poise, at an appointed time, and only after they have called first. As a Baptist, I would never question the Trinity as a concept, although it appears to be post-Biblical. I would admonish you, however, that having three gods can be tricky for any refined hostess, as a lady always gives her undivided attention.
I'm interested in what principles do the Baptists believe and in what does their faith differ from the Catholics'? Do they have to obey some rules or is there any special behavior they practice? I'm thankful for you in advance.
The biggest difference between Baptists and Catholics is, of course, that the former are going to Heaven. There are other, less significant, differences, too. For example, Catholics believe that the Eucharist actually is the body of Christ, whereas we regard this as symbolic, preferring not to engage in cannibalism. Of course, we actually know what the Bible says – and our Pastors tend not to dress in gaudy dresses with far too much appliqué.
My mother's family is Baptist. My father's family is Mormon. I was never indoctrinated in either religion, nor was I baptized. I find a certain resonance with some new age philosophies and teachings. I am gay and my life-partner's mom wants to know what religion I am. What am I?
A religion is not a genetic trait that is passed down like heart disease, dear. It is more akin to the family sterling silver. Sometimes a child gets it; sometimes they don't. In your case, be glad, as you might well have inherited your father's penchant for ridiculous mythology and unattractive underwear by being saddled with being a Mormon. (Pardon me while I shudder slightly and then let out the most ladylike and charming laugh.) As a True Christian, I must try to be somewhat honest, dear. You ask "What am I?" Since you told me that you are a Radical Militant Homosexual, the answer to your question is "Going straight to Hell." I'm so happy to have helped you.
Why does God threaten us with eternal punishment if we don't choose to believe in him? If he was worth believing in, wouldn't we do it without coercion?
You don't understand the dynamics at all, dear. You see, at heart, the Lord is quite the misanthrope. After evictions, floods and the hail of brimstone, He just doesn't seem to be able to create people He actually likes. (Looking around most American towns, one can hardly fault Him in this regard.) In any event, in spite of being all-powerful and inclined to smite anyone who rubs Him the wrong way, He is rather insecure. As we are told, He is a jealous God. Indeed, He is jealous of anyone who is given any adulation. (Just look what He did to Elvis.) So, He wants more than anything to be loved. He craves our love, but in His ham fisted way, He goes about getting it in all the wrong ways. For instance, He tells everyone that if they don't love Him, He will have them tortured for eternity in Hell. Well, any deity with a clue would know this would be a counterproductive approach to currying affection.
In Genesis 3:1, God said, "Let there be light." Who was he speaking to?
It is a well known fact that the world was created simply as a diversion at a celestial dinner party (after dessert, but before brandy) to entertain the guests. The Lord was, of course, speaking to the seraphim at the table. Creating the World, like most parlor games, however, lost the attention of both host and guests very quickly. Indeed, the Lord has completely forgotten about that evening or the resulting world – and would be shocked to hear all about how He forsook Jesus on the cross.
Why is it if you believe in Jesus you are considered normal but if you say you are Jesus they go crazy on you?
It is simply a tradition to kill Jesus, dear. Don't take it personally.
Why is there no difference between politics and religion?
What a foolish idea, dear! While both politics and religion rely on nonsense and fear to take money from people, religion is far, far more successful.
Has the bible stood the test of time?
Indeed it has, dear. Some faux-Christians treat the Lord's inerrant word as if it were cartoon of 2% milk – telling you that the Old Testament laws have "expired." Nonsense! Anyone who watches hemlines from Milan as closely as I do can tell you that "everything old is new again." I fully expect slavery and stonings to become all the rage again, thus proving the timelessness of the Lord's flare for submissive-dominant moral equilibrium. Praise!
What binds the soul to the body? Is someone that is in a vegetative coma still holding onto the soul or has it moved onward?
The Lord gets ferociously angry about these pesky comas. He can never decide whether to call them "dead" or not. Too often, He goes to all the trouble of hauling out the bright lights and doing the whole "Welcome to Heaven" production – only to find that human doctors outsmart Him and bring the patient back to life! 
What will Heaven be like?
We know from our Bible that you can murder as many people as you wish and still enjoy decent accommodation in Heaven -- just as long as you pause ever-so-briefly before dying to repent and accept Jesus Christ as your Savior. So, Heaven will clearly be overrun with appalling people whose only virtue is a good sense of timing.
It drives me crazy when I ask a Christian a difficult question. Instead of coming up with an honest, original response, they usually avoid the issue altogether and just spout off parts of the Bible that they memorized instead.
You fail to understand that the people who wrote the scriptures we are quoting obviously thought nothing of committing outrageous, invented events to paper. For us to further embroiler their efforts at creative writing would be, frankly, overkill.
Last week I disgused myself as a Catholic in an attempt to gain the sacrament of communion. As I approached the priest, he said, "The body and blood of christ" I didn't know the secret code words he was waiting for and in my hesitation he handed the host to the acolyte and proceeded to pummel me at the alter beating me reapeatedly with his fists. After the beating I was rushed to the basement dungeon where I was chained up and tortured for hours at a time. The next day I was released in the woods blind folded and gagged. It took me a few hours to get back to town and when I went to the police I noticed that the acolyte was the police chief. I turned before he could see me and ran away fearing for my life. I was wondering if this was normal?
It was purely retaliation for what happened to the priest when I approached him (on one of my visits to a Mary-Worshipping Pagan Temple) and he said, "The body of Christ." As a woman who has spent thousands of dollars on liposuction and other cosmetic enhancements, I found his assessment quite rude and responded with the blunt end of my Prada clutch.
What is meant by the "Holy Loophole?"
A True Christian™ will entertain you with talk of love and spirituality, but the only thing a True Christian™ wants is to get into Heaven. After all, regardless of whatever else we say, it is all about us. A True Christian™ also wishes to do pretty much what he/she wishes before claiming his/her eternal door prize. Fortunately for us, we can eat our cake and have it frosted in the afterlife. You see, the Lord doesn't really care what type of person you are. All He notices is whether you fawn over Him enough. You see, to Him, it's all about Him. Yes, some may say He is petty and insecure placing such a premium on adoration won by dangling mansions in Glory in front of avaricious humans, but I think He is rather forthcoming about the whole thing. He told us He is a very jealous god, so at least He is trying to work through His issues. (He clearly went through some anger-management between Testaments.) In any event, just keep your eye on God's fragile ego and you can do anything you wish in this life and get fabulous goodies in the next. Have a reputable jeweler inscribe on a lovely wristband: "I accept Jesus Christ as my Personal Savior and repent for any and all sundry sins." Say this just moments before dying and you will have worked the system quite well, dear.

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