NEW YORK (AP) Mrs. Betty Bowers, founder of Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals, America's favorite Ex-Gay Ministry, announced at a press conference today what she has been discretely telling thousands of close friends for weeks: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are ending their marriage. "My Prada is packed and I am ready to fly to Los Angles to give sweet, demure Nicole a shoulder to cry on while she fearlessly draws up a list of all the perks Tom still owes her under their arrangement, ur, I mean, marriage," Mrs. Bowers told the press, waiving a copy of the 245-page contract between the stars.
"As a True Christian, you will never catch me overtly gloating," added Mrs. Bowers, looking saddened, yet resplendent in slate-blue Badgley Mischka, "But it is quite clear that these so-called Scientologists are not up to the task of converting homosexuals with any efficacy or credibility. Indeed, I expect a call from Kelly Preston any minute now. The only thing that has kept John's mind off penises recently has been the pastry cart she has the servants roll around in front of him at my suggestion. But it takes no Freud to hazard a guess why the French éclairs are sucked dry with alarming alacrity!"
BASH had been quietly negotiating with the Church of Scientology for several years to pick up the Cruise endorsement. "Frankly, I'm surprised he stayed with them as long as he did!" laughed Mrs. Bowers. "I mean, they first paired the poor thing off with Mimi Rogers! That horsy thing is more masculine than he ever thought about being. Everyone in the arranged marriage business scoffed at the plausibility of that pairing! But, then again, you are talking about people who will pair that predatory Presley tramp with that fey Michael Jackson just to try to get at his cash! At least Nicole although she could keep a bottle of Cristal at cellar temperature between her legs is not quite as butch as some of those girls are. So, initially, I thought it was a somewhat suitable arrangement."
People in the Christian Ex-Gay community knew that the Cruises were currently in the final, tenth year of their marriage contract. The Scientologists clearly dropped the ball by not having a replacement lined up or having Miss Kidman agree to pick up her option for an additional ten years of marriage. "But, apparently, Nicole feels that she has sufficiently established herself in Hollywood that she can now actually get roles because she can act even though interviews would suggest that her range is just short of being able to act pleasant," said Mrs. Bowers, while flagging something with a highlighter in Addendum RRR.1 of the Cruise-Kidman contract with apparent relish. "Thank God the children have been provided for," she exclaimed to reporters. "They are to be auctioned off on E-bay!"
"It is so sad when any marriage falls apart even when they are just for show," lamented Mrs. Bowers recently at the Barry Diller nuptials. "I can't help but think, however, that if these people were Christians, instead of so-called Scientologists," added Mrs. Bowers with a charming sneer, "In moments of weakness, they would fall into the arms of their personal Savior instead of their personal trainer. Oh, well, I just got off the phone with Kyle Bradford and he assures me that Tom won't be lonely for long. In the meantime, Pat Kingsley will work on her Penelope Cruz smokescreen while we line up that dear Helen Hunt woman. Her agent will pair her with anyone! Of course, Jodie Foster just took Nicole's place in a movie -- maybe Jodie can return the favor and take Nicole's place in a marriage. Hollywood is so adaptable -- and the public is so naïve. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Truly, without the public's willingness to unquestioningly believe what they are told, Christianity would never have blessed so many of us with so much money throughout history. Praise!"