Betty Bowers Opens Halfway House Exclusively For Bush Children

"Honestly," remarked Mrs. Bowers, "when it comes to family arrests, only the Manson family has them beat!"
(Tallahassee, Florida) America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, has announced plans to open a halfway house exclusively for George and Barbara Bush's grandchildren. "We wanted it to be available to others, but with the nursing shortage, we are probably going to be too busy already just attending to the sundry addictions of America's First Family of Politics," said Mrs. Bowers as she cut the ribbon. "Whereas White House occupant Betty Ford opened a facility to keep Liza Minnelli off the street, this is a way of returning the favor by – finally – providing a place for people in the White House to dry out."

"When I saw the mug shot of Noelle Bush on CNN I didn't recognize her at first" said Mrs. Betty Bowers on FOX News. "I instinctively asked my personal shopper Anne Thrope if all of our Christian Crack Whores in Tallahassee were accounted for. I remember running into Noelle at the GOP convention in Philadelphia, but she didn't have the glassy-eyed look of someone who pops curiously strong Xanax and Vicodin like Altoids. And believe me, as spiritual advisor to Laura Bush, that is a look I would have recognized. When Bar told me to keep an eye on the addict, I thought she was directing my attention to the podium for the acceptance speech. Fortunately, with Jenna and Barbara two seats away, I was keeping a close watch over my purse anyway. And we were all on edge after Liddy Dole's bag – the oversize one covered in carpet – had been rummaged through. Nine of her cute little airline bottles of Captain Morgan were missing before the invocation."

Mrs. Bowers was shocked that Mrs. Betty Bowers Christian Crack Whore Ministry, LLC (Cayman Islands) has no franchise in the lucrative "redneck region" of Florida. "The fact that one of the Bushes was caught trying to get high would, of course, never raise an eyebrow amongst those of us who know them," said Mrs. Bowers. "But the realization that I had missed a marketing opportunity to draw tithes from a family teeming with more junkies than the set of Friends, was very disturbing to a Christian businesswoman such as myself!"

Mrs. Bowers immediately picked up the phone and called Columba Bush. "I knew Columba because she operates a duty-free store out of the back of her Mercedes. Katherine Harris had gotten a divine Louis Seize 18 karat gold eye shadow mortar and pestle kit from Columba and I'd picked up the most lovely Cartier watches from her for a song two years ago. Naturally, Mrs. Bush was very perturbed that the media were carrying stories about her daughter running out to Wal-Mart to take the edge off her crank-high with a bucket of Xanax."

"One look at Jeb's daughter Noelle's mug shot and it is no wonder why she was looking for a fistful of Xanax," remarked Mrs. Bowers. "They are a dear, family in Christ and I would rather that they were all slung into a shallow grave than say an unkind word about them, but I must say something out of Christian concern: Verily I say onto thee, she looks like a crack whore!"
Styling by Heidi Fleiss
Mrs. Betty Bowers was furious over the attention Noelle's arrest was receiving. "The liberal news programs are showing their appalling ignorance of the conventions of society to even mention this trifle," said Mrs. Bowers, luxuriating over a World War I Port at her cottage at the Pink Sands Hotel on Harbor Island. "When the perpetrator is Republican, criminal offenses associated with either drugs or liquor are purely private family matters. If, however, Chelsea Clinton, a Democrat, is seen even fingering the rim of a Cosmo in a club, it is newsworthy and proof-positive of moral malaise and shocking debauchery of liberals and their inability to raise children with decent, that is Christian, values. Many in the media forget this fine, yet vital distinction – and it is of acute annoyance to GOP wives like sister-in-Christ Laura Bush, who have chosen – simply out of curiosity -- to raise harlots. But I'm glad we've had this opportunity to clear it up."

With Jeb Bush's son George's run-in for property destruction, son Jebby's arrest for having sex in a mall parking lot, daughter Noelle's apprehension means that all of the Florida Governor's offspring have had problems with the law. "My children are sort of like me and my brother the President," said Jeb Bush with a laugh. "They are real competitive. I guess Noelle was feeling sort of left out – especially after her cousins Jenna and Barbara got arrested last year. I tell you, it has never been easy to be a Bush and have to keep up. No one wants to face those reunions in Kennebunkport looking like a goddamned goody-two-shoes. W has been arrested the one time we actually talk about, but I think Laura sort of set the benchmark for the whole family when she killed that boy in high school. Never say never, but that is sort of a tough one to top! Although I came close one day when Columba came home from one of her shopping trips to Paris!" After a nervous silence and a furtive glance at his wife, Jeb added: "Joking!"

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