| Dear Fellow Republicans:
To celebrate Jenna and Barbara's graduations, President Bush has come out in favor of eliminating preferential treatment in college admissions for the children of wealthy, connected alumni. I wonder what, if any impact, this will have, as they are the only people who can afford to go to Yale anyway. Nevertheless, before your Democrat domestic help make snide remarks in Mexican under their breath, it is worth pointing out that this only serves to underscore Mr. Bush's consistency in all matters. After all, he waited until after his girlfriend had an abortion to come out for banning abortions; he waited until after his DUI(s) and his position as Governor entitled him to a chauffeur, to come out for stronger laws against drunk drivers; and he waited until after his last cocaine binge (some, we are told, 30-odd years ago) to come out in favor of stronger prison terms for people who indulge in significantly less Peruvian blue flake during their twenty "lost years." No flip-flopper here!
Some of you Henny Pennies out there might find it disconcerting that the Department of Homeland Hysteria only thought to screen people riding helicopters right over the heart of Manhattan (you know, where the World Trade Center towers used to be) after an Al Qaeda operative in Pakistan s-p-e-l-l-e-d it out for them that Muslims were planning to use helicopters to make the poor Statue of Liberty feel like Tippi Hedren in The Birds. Others of you who fall prey to observation, might have been annoyed that New York financial centers were recently placed on one of the more autumnal terror alert colors based on information more stale than Ben Affleck's career.
To mollify you nonbelievers who, unlike our handsome President, don't suppose that safety is achieved solely through the power of suggestion, I am about to reveal a secret that will imbue you with the solace of certainty when it comes to predicting the terror alert color that will be a "must" for next week. This will allow you the advantage of being able to carefully plan a complementary wardrobe and decor in advance -- much to the embarrassment of your "terror alert color clashing" coworkers. Since this information is a state secret, it should not be shared with Democrats (not that I am impugning you by suggesting that you speak to any) or the public at large unless you are a syndicated columnist. Although if you slip, don't worry; since it is true, it is not information anyone in Washington DC will rely upon.
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Finally, dear Laura "Pickles" Bush and I were brainstorming the other day because one and one-half brains are better than one. At least I used to think so. Anyway, since she is the only Bush that anyone actually likes right now, Karl Rove has asked me to come up with new ways to trot her out in public before she gets a chance to imbibe any San Antonio Surprises (tequila, one very small ice cube and crushed-Xanax around the rim). Well, Laura seemed a perfect match for my efforts to get America to parlay their hatred of people who are willfully different into a Constitutional clause stating once and for all that we loathe homos who go about loving each other.
Pickles and I bickered (my part, of course, was conducted with patience never reached by Christ and words never learned by Laura) about the slogan for our efforts. We did, however, narrow the choices down to five:
The Constitution Doesn't Discriminate: Together We Can Change That!
BUSH/CHENEY: Putting the CON in Constitution!
Just say "NO" to letting homos register at Tiffany
4 out of 5 Baptist Divorcees Support Traditional Marriage
Just because we gave Negroes equal rights 40 years ago doesn't mean we're going to make the same mistake with you queers!
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