With a rectitude that scrupulously avoids erectitude, priggish, homosexual-hating, Mary-worshiping, teabagger-pandering, NRA-butt-kissing, global-warming-denying Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli (following in the theocratic footsteps of former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft) is doing his part to rid America of one of the Lord's more irresponsible ideas – nakedness. Mr. Cuccinelli, so revulsed by the sight of a woman's breast, took a rather too-titillated look at the Roman goddess Virtus, who appears on the state's seal revealing a cartoon bosom, and told her: "Put a top on, you dirty pagan tramp!" Buck Johnson, a Roanoke Tea Party memeber, responded: "I like how he don't say nothing Glenn Beck wouldn't say and all, but I got to wonder if he's just a big, prancing queer. And not just cause his eye-talian name ends with 'nelly' -- he protests way too much about the homos and now he don't like looking at no titties! That ain't right."
"Clothing a pagan god is a bit like spritzing a ripe, warm piece of dog excrement with Chanel No. 5. It's far better to remove the underlying offense than give it a make-over. Of course, as an unrepentant Roman Catholic, Mr. Cuccinelli is used to licking the plaster toes of pagan idols -- so the Christian solution of replacing Virtus with the Lord Jesus probably never even occurred to him!"

-- Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian

Mr. Cuccinelli immediately announced the formation of a national branch of PRUDES, revealing plans for a new, more modest Statue of Liberty. At a cost of $8,900,600 (to come from money previously budgeted for extravagances, like polio vaccines for children who don't even look like Real Americans™), the Lady with the Lantern will soon sport a higher, buttoned collar - so as not to give licentious would-be immigrants an unchaste come-on and, therefore, even further invitation to soil our shores with their swarthy faces. She will also shed her edgy, spiked punk headdress for a charming pink pillbox hat with Jesus-fish hatpin -- and her clingy and all-too-revealing oxidized toga will been replaced by a sturdy calico frock, finished with a ruffled brass apron to signify that she is a stay-at-home statue.
PRUDES issued 655 pages of demands for decency to museums throughout the world, instructing them on what steps will be necessary in order for them to bring their exhibits into PRUDES compliance. At right is a helpful rendering supplied to the Louvre, providing ideas about how to address the "Venus di Milo problem." "Everyone talks about her having no arms," remarked Mr. Cuccinelli, "but the thing that ticks me off is that she doesn't even have a bra! Those Taliban folks had the right idea when they stuck dynamite under statues that offended them. I've given these skipping surrender monkeys three weeks to clean up their act. Or Viriginia is going to secede and declare a Crusade! Praise Mary!"

Responding to the news that PRUDES has ordered 477 alabaster, marble, and canvas fig leaves for the National Gallery and burlap sacks to cover all statuary at Rockefeller Center, Mrs. Betty Bowers put down her Bergdorf bag and said: "Praise the Lord Jesus on a splintery cross! It is about time someone started removing the FDR/Demoncrat porn that litters our once-righteous country. It is high time we replaced all licentious Greek nakedness with Christian crafts - like charming silk floral arrangements in lovely replica butter churns! Glory!"

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