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Mrs. Bowers was rather surprised by this film. Upon hearing that it was set in the halcyon days of the late 1950's, I had naturally assumed that all of the young people would exhibit exemplary Christian behavior. As we all know, each and every problem we are currently having with 21st century children -- drugs, ill-fitting jeans, harlotry and the fact that piercing is no longer limited to insight -- can be traced directly to the lack of prayer in public schools. The characters in this drama all grew up in a time when prayer was still allowed and there were, hence, no societal problems. Naturally, Hollywood wishes to distort this truth, so most of the characters in this film are presented as anachronistically amoral.
The film starts innocently enough at a lovely Upper-East Side rooftop party, providing a charming view of Manhattan. Mrs. Bowers was somewhat surprised to find that the World Trade Towers dated back to the Eisenhower administration (if production had been delayed several years, this might not have been a problem), but not nearly as surprised to note that piano players back then were tipped with free trips to Italy. While the catering at the party was decidedly uninspired and the musical selection somewhat too obvious for Mrs. Bowers' keen hostessing instincts, the soiree showed all signs of being a truly Christian gathering. Given that this was New York, I was delighted to note that I did not spot one unsightly yarmulke amongst the guests or a colored person who wasn't holding a tray.
After the party, Tom Ripley (Matt Damon, with a beguiling smile formed by deliciously ripe lips) meets a Christian father whose son is living in Italy and disobeying him. He asks Matt to go to Italy to "get" his son. Knowing that in the Old Testament God commands that all "stubborn and rebellious sons" be killed (Deuteronomy 21:18-22), Matt is aware that the father is asking him to do the Lord's work by going to Italy to kill his wayward son. Once an agreement is reached about his expenses and class of travel, Matt agrees with alacrity to act as God's avenging angel.
At this point, the film was showing much promise. Now that the main protagonist knows that he is on a mission from God, we segue to Italy. While the Italians embrace a wholly false faith, for which they will all be damned, they are nonetheless a lovely people who are capable of concocting the most delicious dinners prior to their inevitable descent into the very pit of Hell.
Coming off the perfectly presentable Cunard-style boat, Matt meets an American heiress played by the foreign (Austrian or Australian) actress Cate Blanchett. Ms. Blanchett appears to have studied for her part by locking herself in a room with an old video of Auntie Mame. Throughout the film, she mimics the young girl in that movie who had the terrible ordeal with her ping-pong ball ("It was ghastly! Just ghastly!") with a precision worthy of Meryl Streep.
The film now starts becoming deliciously even more Old Testament. Praise! Instead of Matt and Cate taking a charming, chaperoned trip to the Villa d'Este on Lake Como, where they might ferry on Edwardian teak decks, parsing scripture, Matt leaves Cate to go kill a few people. He arrives is a town that manages to make its slovenly poverty so utterly picturesque in a way that completely eludes the American working class.
It is here that he meets the affable Jude Law and the brittle Gwyneth Paltrow. We immediately discover that all types of behavior against God's immutable laws are occurring in this seedy little fishing village. Fortunately, God's chosen, Tom Ripely, is there to exact Old Testament vengeance. Gwyneth is an unchaste harlot who is fornicating outside of a Christian marriage. This, in addition to her monotonous line readings, qualifies her to be the first person Matt should stone to death. Regrettably, showing no mercy on the audience, he inexplicably does not follow God's command to kill women like her (Deuteronomy 22:13-21) and allows her to continue appearing in scenes for the next two hours! Next, we find that Jude has impregnated a local woman not his wife. Upon discovering this shocking fact, in a fit of righteous pique, God immediately asked Matt to smite her. The whole village watches as the waterlogged harlot washes up on shore. Several pro-life townspeople (including her entire family) at this point cry for the loss of the unborn child.
Now that Matt has killed the town jezebel, the Old Testament makes it quite clear that he must also kill Jude Law's character (Mark 7:10) after getting a nice long look at his lovely bottom. Matt answers the call of God and bludgeons Jude to death in a small rowboat. As the blood and bits of skull were flying, I was very troubled by how unchristian the whole scene was played. Why was a very important lesson in brutal Old Testament style death and retribution sullied by decidedly homosexual overtones? It appeared to me that Matt had momentarily chosen the wicked homosexual lifestyle. While it is so utterly implausible that someone as deliciously attractive as Mr. Damon could be a homo, this plot twist almost put Mrs. Bowers off the otherwise Godly bloody killing scene.
Fortunately, Matt denounces the homosexual lifestyle, finds a lovely hotel suite on the Via Veneto and enters into chaste Christian courtship with Cate Blanchett. Meanwhile, the Lord calls on him to stone to death another fornicating drunk. Praise! Then, the harpy Gwyneth Paltrow hounds him about the whereabouts of Jude Law. Fortunately, Mrs. Bowers was in her private screening room and was able to yell at the screen "He is in Hell where you belong, you pallid shrew!" much to the delight of her guests.
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The Lord calls upon the adorable Matt Damon to kill the imminently annoying Gwyneth Paltrow now that the harlot has seen him in his nakedness. Praise the Lord!
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By the end of the movie, Matt is living a glamorous lifestyle, which Mrs. Bowers completely approves of over his squalid digs in New York. In his surprisingly small stateroom, he discovers that his friend is an unsaved homosexual. Why this came as a surprise, I am not certain, as the man was decidedly English. Nevertheless, the Lord, finding homos to be an abomination who should be killed (Leviticus 20:13), calls upon Matt to kill his fey friend. Once again, Matt obeys the Almighty God. He then cries, knowing that his now-dead friend is being tortured by Lucifer in Hell. Mrs. Bowers was touched by Matt's Christian compassion and resorted to a lovely monogrammed linen tissue.
The film ends with the obvious suggestion that Matt's character, now having done the Lord's work, thoroughly denounced his own homosexual choices by accepting Jesus Christ as his personal Savior and killing all the homos he knows, is ready to enter into a Christian marriage with Cate Blanchett (once she converts to Baptist and loses her annoying accent). While Mrs. Bowers had some qualms about certain events in the film, by the end she knew that it was all ultimately to the glory of God. Praise!
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| Family Values Scorecard: Of God or Of the Devil? |
| Clothes and coiffures: |
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| Unsaved people hogging up screen time: |
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| Nonamericans (other than crowd scenes or communal graves): |
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| Sabbath breakers who are killed (Ex. 31:14-15): |
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| Woman with "familiar spirits" who are stoned to death (Lev 20:27): |
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| People who are smote for worshipping a different god (Dt 13:6-10): |
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| Rebellious sons who are killed (Dt 21:18-21): |
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| Nonvirgin brides who are taken by village people and stoned to death (Dt 22:13-21): |
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| Philistines given hemorrhoids by the Almighty (1 Sam 5:9): |
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| Women bought with Philistine foreskins (1 Sam 18:25-27): |
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| Depictions of men who "pisseth against the wall." (1 Sam.25:22): |
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Obscenities: 8
Profanities: 6
Smutty innuendo: 18
Untoward glances: 23
Unchristian thoughts: 529
Unchaste conduct outsides of a Christian marriage: 122 (possibly 123)
Number of times 10 Commandments were praised: 0
Number of Times the Holy Ghost was invoked by name: 0
Old Testament retribution: 8
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