So, our Personal Savior was a no-show at the Millennium. Before you reproach Him for ruining your apocalyptic covered-dish, his disinclination to make his Second Coming at the stroke of midnight makes perfect sense to those of us attuned to his vain peccadilloes. Jesus has been planning his return for 2000 years now! And while He is not without fabulous special effects at his disposal, I think even He would concede that four horsemen and a whore (whether from Babylon or Reno) on New Year's Eve could never have competed with what the French did to the Eiffel Tower. Besides, everyone was expecting Him at the end of 1999 and deities are notorious for defying mortal expectation. If Jesus wanted to simply do what is utterly predictable, He would have a situation comedy on the WB.
Rather than being cause to sulk, however, this reprieve presents a marvelous opportunity to for each of you to be proactive in planning your afterlife. Sure, you've thought about where you want to go (in addition to where you want some others to go), but have you given adequate consideration to your accommodations once you get there? Probably not. Well, now there is no longer an excuse not to put down a deposit on a room in the hereafter. After some tenacious cajoling on my part of God's rather reactionary IT seraphim, Heaven is -- finally -- online.
No longer do you have to wait until a bus hits you, a hangnail turns wickedly septic or you are cornered in a blind alley by a plague of locusts to slake your curiosity about whether you are going to Heaven. News of your after-death destination now comes with the click of a mouse, doing away with the energy squandering and needlessly ostentatious "bright lights at the end of a tunnel" routine heretofore popular with the Lord. Through proprietary software and encrypted Java Scripts, the Almighty has enabled you to find out your fate as easily as you delete forwarded "joke of the day" e-mails from people you barely know. Of course, if He were a truly merciful God, we would never have gotten such e-mails in the first place, but it is not ours to question why. Regrettably, this on-line Apocalyptic Travel service is not available for connection speeds of less than 56kps or visible in certain browsers as even the Lord doesn't have the patience to debug a Microsoft product.
Why has God resorted to human computers to herald your fate? There simply aren't enough angels to provide the type of personalized service God had originally planned (especially after Lucifer's attempted coup, which was far more successful than indicated in Heaven's press release). To be honest, God never planned to let there be quite so many of us to process into eternity. He killed off most of us during Noah's time with water and liked the lack of pesky prayers so much He planned to destroy us regularly with the remaining elements. He became, however, a bit preoccupied in another galaxy. It has its very own Bible that is even more outrageous than our own. Well, almost. During the last leap-lightyear, those distant souls divided into two contentious religious factions (the "hxpked" and the "un-hxpked"), fought over who was more "kxpked," and killed each other off in a holy war to convert the un-hxpked. God has found all of them suitable accommodations in Hell. So, the Lord has now turned his wandering attention back to our little planet and is ready to process human post-breath itineraries.
Below you can make travel plans for the suitable destination. You will be able to chose either Heaven or Hell, depending on your predetermined fate. God knows where you are going. And so does Mrs. Bowers. Now, you are about to be let in on what God and I have been gossiping about! Bon voyage!