Today, sweet Ann Coulter launched her newest in a series of pre-rehab books, entitled Godless. Naturally, the title led me to think that it was an unexpectedly candid autobiography. Sadly, she may be saving that book till after she’s been strapped to a bed at Hazelden for a month. Instead of using this book to dabble in the bracing novelty of introspection, Miss Coulter turns her two-setting mind (“ off“ and „off her rocker“) to hector us about religion.
Let’s be sincere: Checking out a book about faith from Ann Coulter is tantamount to checking out a book about dieting from Michael Moore. After all, who wishes to be lectured about not being Christian enough by an almost-50 year-old boozehound in a black leather miniskirt who has never been wed? Count me as having a healthy apprehension over whether Miss Coulter has actually conserved herself for marriage. Or anything, for that matter.
More bent on provoking a laugh than a thought, Ann Coulter is the Nationalist Socialist Party yin to Sarah Silverman’s Jewish yang
In Godless, Miss (oh, how it pains me to describe that serially-rejected spinster as „Miss,“ however something Miss Coulter normally eschews– precision– forces me) Coulter turns her screeching heater of brayed invective, fueled by a bottomless quarry of prickly mental damage, at the most despicable people on the planet. No, not the maniacal murderers who flew planes into the World Trade Center towers, however the blameless Americans who had their flesh burned off of their bodies in those buildings– and the heartbroken partners they left behind.
Yes, she directs an anger that shirks all management on ladies whose hubbies were murdered on 9/11. Apparently, in Miss Coulter’s religion, the meek might acquire the Earth, however not prior to she’s had a shot at making them weep first. With a mouth so hectic frothing it apparently has no time at all to eat, Miss Coulter claims to be livid at these opportunistic widows for being crass sufficient to remember the event that eliminated the daddy of their children.
“ There are none so blind as those who will Nazi.“
— Mrs. Betty Bowers
She is also angry at them for being individuals tough to dislike more publicly. While it is incredibly amusing to view Miss Coulter disingenuously grumble that she is somehow not able to criticize individuals she not only slams, however savagely impugns, it is essential to bear in mind that this smoke and mirrors Persecution Complex is every bit as crucial to the theater of right wing punditry as the chandelier is to Phantom of the Opera. [FOOTNOTE 1]
Miss Coulter gets irritable– well, stays irritable– about 9/11 widows being compensated as a result of the disaster. Frankly, I think she is simply displaying a fierce territoriality on behalf of herself and other Republicans who have used 9/11 to win elections and offer books. Her mindset seems to be: Exploiting 9/11 is our shtick– find your own method to make money! This need to account for why she does not take Lisa Beamer to job for registering „Let’s Roll! ™“ as a trademark and slapping it on the trinkets she sold on the Internet. [FOOTNOTE 2]
Ann Coulter (billed as „Joan Van Ark“) in a television gig preceding her present role as Sean Hannity’s courtesan [FOOTNOTE 3] on the Fox sitcom Hannity and Colmes
Obviously, Ann’s every utterance is a thoroughly choreographed gambit to convert sensationalistic bad taste into sensationally great sales. In this way she is like another rapidly aging blond sex kitten, Madonna, someone else without any discernable talent other than getting people to ask, „Did she really do that?“ Miss Coulter buffooning the widows of men incinerated by burning jet fuel on the planet Trade Center is simply her competitive one-upmanship of Madonna showing up on a mirrored crucifix, all but shouting „Look at me! Isn’t this SHOCKING?“ And you have to offer credit where it is due: Miss Coulter could squeeze ink out of a tombstone.
However in her mercantile passion to state what sells, Miss Coulter ventures to produce an image that has obviously had a nasty falling out with reality, leaving them no longer on speaking terms. Undoubtedly, to hear Miss Coulter speak (in that wound up Martha Stewart-on-helium Connecticut tetanus voice of hers), you ‚d think she is somebody who really welcomes heartland, Christian, American worths. In reality, nevertheless, she is less like June Cleaver baking pot-roast than she is like Samantha Jones baked on pot. Certainly, this is no piously serene Christian wife, however a braying loud mouth who wears super-slutty clothing, powders her bony nose more frequently than Lindsay Lohan (if you understand what I suggest), knocks back scotch with an alacrity that avoids Ted Kennedy given that the introduction of rheumatoid arthritis, lives only in cities filled with homos and screws anything ready to bang an anorexic skeleton. [FOOTNOTE 4]
This brings me to Miss Coulter’s teen tramp closet. Miss Coulter appeared to the Today program today using a black mixed drink dress 3 sizes too little. At seven in the early morning, mind you. No female in New York uses a little black dress that early in the day unless she is burying somebody dead, or looks like someone dead, as she makes a Whore of Babylon predawn retreat from the previous night’s licentious debauchery. This may represent why Matt Lauer informed me that the bad thing smelled like an ashtray.
However it wasn’t the color of the dress that was so telling. No, it was the „Look! I got myself one of those Brazilian waxes!“ length that spoke more to a Jackie Stallone determination to hang on to youth with knuckles no longer white but bleeding. Undoubtedly, it seems that Miss Coulter’s entire sense of self comes from believing she is a „hot young babe“ who drives, presumably myopic, guys wild with a sexual desire so ardent they no longer hear the rubbish she is stating. Goodness me, who would have ever thought that the Achilles heel for most Republican guys would be the sight of pre-operative transsexuals in dresses produced somebody 20 years more youthful?
Miss Coulter suffers from an affliction I like to call Mariah Carey by Proxy. Stars who experience this debilitating disease so seldom seek help prior to some callous individual takes a photo of them. Mariah Carey by Proxy affects menopausal lady who think they would break the hearts of teenage boys throughout America if they ever showed up in public with a nipple-baring „Love Waits“ tube-top. KEEP IN MIND: Call your physician if you find yourself using clothes that flash undernourished, middle-age legs and surgically-levitated bosoms, especially when such exposing clothes is not proper for the occasion. Adverse effects might include wearing your hair like a junior high cheerleader even though you are rapidly approaching 50.
Miss Coulter’s muse, Sylvia Miles (best).
Miss Coulter has been overheard wailing in bars the words made famous by Miss Miles in the movie Midnight Cowboy:
“ You were gon na ask me for money? Who the hell do you think you’re handling, some old slut on K Street? In case you didn’t happen to see it, ya huge Texas longhorn bull, I’m one helluva stunning chick!“
URGENT PRAYER WARRIOR DEMAND: Please join me in a prayer circle for dear, sad Miss Coulter, as plastic surgery and Photoshop do not seem to be sparing this one-note minx from ending up being the Child Jane Hudson of the quick-to-fulminate set.
For those of you pressed for time, however still don’t want to lose out on the tedium of being regaled by one recycled thought spread out over 300-odd pages: You can finish any Coulter book in less than15 minutes by just avoiding over the word „liberals.“ Try it! This time conserving method is even more reliable with anything typed by Sean Hannity, who has shown the bracing resourcefulness it requires to parlay basically two ideas into an entire career.
FOOTNOTE 1: This dexterous conjuring enables us to control the White House, the Supreme Court, the Senate and the House of Representatives and still blame the country’s current management vacuum on the all-powerful and scurrilous liberals, who secretly and invisibly control whatever– similar to all those homos manage all of our marital relationships! [back] FOOTNOTE 2: Miss Coulter does not criticize Mrs. Beamer, obviously, because Miss Coulter doesn’t truly challenge 9/11 widows being messengers; she selectively objects to their messages. If the females in New Jersey she so charmingly calls „witches“ had expressed political opinions in lock-step conformance to the television-friendly mottos of Sean Hannity, Miss Coulter would have been applauding them. Instead, Miss Coulter is attempting to silence them. Why? Since extreme right wing politics has always had to do with silencing inconvenient dissent. I’m a godly Republican politician– believe me on this.
As is rather common of the unblinking fans of an undesirable ruler, Miss Coulter seems to think that only select Americans ought to have the right to inject their opinions into the general public conversation of political concepts. This reveals a dreadful disregard for the method America was supposed to work. When it comes to speaking about politics in this country, every person not only has the right, but the responsibility, to speak his mind– even if he reveals no signs of really having one.
And how wonderfully presumptuous that Ann Coulter thinks she is more qualified to speak about 9/11– or anything– than the rest people, particularly somebody who lost family in that murderous occasion. Ann Coulter is absolutely nothing more than a tv personality. (Like Suzanne Somers– only on the tail end of a 7-month fast.) And she is a television character who exhibits no inclination to utilize data accurately or truthfully. For instance, in her new book, she compares total molestations by teachers with those of priests to argue that the previous is a larger issue, collusively neglected by the union-worshipping, church-desecrating liberals. However she fails to consider the enormously out of proportion ratio of teachers to priest in America. And if you believe that was simply accidentally sloppy, you do not know dear Miss Coulter. [back]
FOOTNOTE 3: I don’t chatter, other than to save a soul or a conversation, so don’t ask me about the rumors about the single Coulter and the married Hannity. [back]
FOOTNOTE 4: Had I typed any of that I would have included the word „allegedly,“ however the Lord obviously countenances no such quibbles when He utilizes my keyboard to toss His voice. [back]