As every Christian understands, there is only one enemy that threatens our entire civilization. And I am, naturally, not talking about Satan. I’m speaking about those damned homosexuals! Yes, they provide otherwise dull hair radiant highlights and our imperfect design those wonderful flourishes that avoid our more foreseeable heterosexual sensibilities, but at what cost? In exchange for a little charisma, we enable homosexuals to steal our children and destroy our Christian marital relationships. And how do they do this? With their secret masterplan– The Homosexual Program!
Many a well-intentioned person has asked me, „Betty, just what is The Homosexual Program?“ Well, if you need to ask, you are most likely currently under its pernicious influence and blithely hop-scotching your way straight to Hell. Nevertheless, the details of The Homosexual Agenda have– up till this day– been kept more secret than the nature of John Travolta’s and Tom Cruise’s marriages. However I am pleased to announce that through many free vodka sea-breezes and some artistic Christian skullduggery, I have gotten my hands on a genuine copy of The Homosexual Agenda Applaud the Lord!
I have had my secretaries, Miss Anne Thrope and Anita Priceczech, transcribe The Homosexual Agenda from the back of an utilized cocktail napkin (the original is to be put in the Smithsonian Institute) for your hassle-free referral. Never ever again shall we be amazed by what these malevolent Nancy Boys are up to. While they may still be able to shock us with a cunningly best piece of Chinese porcelain for our Biederimeier end-table, they will never ever again have the ability to surreptitiously take control of our culture, families and prime-time television without God-fearing Christians being one step ahead of them! Applaud the Lord!
The Homosexual Program.
8:00 a.m. Awaken. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Understand you are lying on one hundred percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don’t panic; you’re not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a modification. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so will not have the ability to cook breakfast for them. Mutter „sorry“ as you help him search for his remote underclothing. You learn that you tore his fighters while ripping them off him last night, so you „loan“ him a set of boxer-briefs, however not the new ones due to the fact that you never ever plan to see him again.
8:05 a.m. Inform the stranger, whose name eludes you, „It was fun. I’ll provide you a call,“ as you usher him out the door, avoiding his outright morning-breath.
8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the cooking area.
8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you’ve heard about Matt Lauer are true. Choose they must be.
8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to opt for three-button Italian and the only t-shirt that is clean.
8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look excessive like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Opt for Revos.
9:35 a.m. Walk into office.
9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call buddy and laugh about the person who invested the night at your apartment. Mention something annoying about best friend’s partner but rapidly add „It doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks, just as long as you enjoy him.“
10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are „consulting with a client.“ Pretend not to observe her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying „poem“ she has tacked to her cubicle wall).
10:30 a.m. Hair consultation for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.
11:30 a.m. Run into individual fitness instructor at fitness center. Bother him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Invest 30 minutes talking with pals on your mobile phone while using Hammer Strength devices, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit celebrations everybody is going to and which are now passe.
12:00 pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you understand you will wind up shirtless.
12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend’s sweetheart undress with the estimation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having actually dollars stuffed in their crotch.
1:00 p.m. Meet somebody for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new dining establishment. Due to the fact that the maître d‘ acknowledges you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table given that 12:30.
2:30 p.m. „Dessert at your location.“ Learn, once again, individuals push AOL.
3:33 p.m. Presume complete control of the U.S., state, and city governments (in addition to other nations‘ governments); destroy all healthy Christian marital relationships; hire all kids grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, dirty way of life; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent kids; provide help to as many people as you can; host a pornographic „art“ exhibit at your regional art museum; and turn people far from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10 p.m. Time allowing, bring about the general decrease of Western Civilization and appear like you are having method too much fun doing it.
4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly amusing.
6:00 p.m. Open an amazing new bottle of Malbec.
6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.
7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, „Over!“.
7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic screens at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.
8:30 p.m. Light supper with catty homosexual pals at a dining establishment you will be „over“ by the time it gets its very first review in the local paper.
10:30 p.m. Mixed drinks at a decadent gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can’t navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a low-cost plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how „trashy“ individuals who still believe smoking cigarettes is acceptable are.
12:00 a.m. „Nightcap at your place.“ Discover that people lie in bars, too.