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Raising Christian Young Ladies When You Only Have Twenty Minutes and Two Shot Glasses

Absolutely nothing needs more of any passive-aggressive female’s attention than defiant kids (unless, naturally, you have an underachiever husband with an addictive personality who is getting huge pressure from his self-important mom to get elected president). Gals, it is so crucial that you make time for your children! I try to free-up time by paying absolutely no attention to what I use. As a devoted mom, I set aside a complete 20 minutes a month for my kids. This time is sacred (unless, of course, an emergency situation pops up– like the time I had to run a Q-tip along the tops of all the baseboards in the guv’s mansion or the time George’s various prescriptions were calling out to be Dewey decimalized).

When my daughters Jenna and, um, a,– well, the other one– loaded their Samsonite and flasks for college, I chose to use their 7.4 minutes still unused that month to attempt something brand-new– talking with them. So, I sat them down (well, in fact, as I remember, Jenna fell down) and as I nervously consumed something that only smelled like single-malt Scotch from my 24 oz. „What Would Jenna Consume?“ coffee mug, I revealed my secrets to raising Christian women in a political household. (Being a resourceful homemaker, I likewise utilized the novelty of really being in the very same room with my daughters to Clorox a few yellowed bras so the afternoon wouldn’t be a total waste.).

— Mrs. George W. (Laura) Bush.

It is important that kids find out to share at an early age. Start with a fifth of Cuervo Gold.

Don’t let your children see your other half’s mom in daylight up until you have encouraged them that her genes are recessive.

Do not leave a kid behind. Relocate to DC and leave BOTH of them behind!

Inform the housemaid to keep $1,000 (cash) in her bag at all times for bail. (This will save you from providing your girls your unlisted cell phone number.).

There is definitely no excuse for a Christian young lady to be caught drinking liquor in public– especially when you consider that Seagram’s 7 looks just like Original Listerine when it is decanted into a 16 oz. plastic mouthwash bottle!

Have their dad, ideally sober, take a seat with your ladies and tell them that it is one thing to have „youthful indiscretions,“ but they can’t utilize adolescence as a reason forever. Certainly, when a teen gets to be around 40 or 50 years old, it is most likely time to cut back on the binge drinking and start utilizing those cute little drug spoons for stirring amaretto Coffee-Mate into your decaf.

If your child( s) drink excessive, it is probably best to prevent lecturing when (if) they return house. After all, it will undoubtedly result in the typical teenage resurgence „Well, a minimum of I didn’t eliminate my partner while driving intoxicated like you did Mom!“ What mother hasn’t dreaded those very words?

During your children‘ necessary years ending high school, attempt to invest over 250 nights out of town on the campaign trail talking with regional tv morning shows about how important your family is to you.

Discover the distinction between words „arrest“ and „citation.“ This basic details can conserve you a world of humiliation when buddies or Jim Lehrer ask you: „So, which among the twins was arrested last night?“.

In some cases, children can interfere with your codependent nurturing of a dad who jealously secures his right to be the constant focal point. In such circumstances, a compromise is required. Start by entirely disregarding your children. After all, before you know it, they will be off to college (and the dean’s headache), but you are stuck to a clingy hubby permanently!

Remember: The technique to being a political moms and dad is Plausible Deniability. Invest as little time with your children as possible. That way, when you find out about their outrageous antics, your on-camera reaction will look like something that passes for surprise, which your staff can later on characterize as something that passes for rejection.

If called in for a potentially awkward so-called „urgent“ parent-professor conference, have Carl Rove prepare talking indicate keep the teacher off balance. Even if you have not taught considering that the development of Post-Its– and speak as if the most significant book you ever read might fit on one– react to every pointed question with a glazed look and „I’m an instructor, too.“ If you feel bold, add something risky like „And I believe education is important.“.

Kids are competitive. If one of them goes to an Ivy League school and the other can’t enter into the Waco School of Cosmetology without her grandfather pulling strings, advise the one not going to Yale: „Honey, you’re a Bush; nobody expects you to be bright.“.

I constantly inform my gals that journalism is the reverse of their dad: They understand more than they speak about. Don’t trust them. However, darn it, if they have not found out how to conceal their boozing and drug use by seeing Daddy and me, I do not know when they will ever find out!

To teach children how to treat the servants, start with the Secret Service. While it may seem amusing to lead government representatives on a high-speed cars and truck chase through a toll both near New York City or bray profanities at them from a bar, such youthful enjoyable can come back to haunt you when you require them to bail a sweetheart out of jail– or just go out to a corner store for rolling paper, Slim Jims and condoms.

Ensure your ladies understand (prior to they begin „dating“) that it is a Christian woman’s duty to approach her man’s imperfections with persistence and forgiveness– and his vomit with rubber gloves and Lysol.

Enable children to gain from their own mistakes. For example, motivate them in the adorable idea that their daddy consumed like a dockside sailor for several years without getting a DUI. That way, when they get caught, it will be such a shock to discover that behavior has repercussions, they may give up „filling the tank“ before driving in just another 10 or twenty years, too!

It is necessary for kids to pretend their parents enjoy. There is no requirement to concern them with lies about just how much you missed them because they left the nest. For instance, never discuss missing them in interviews. Instead, use that airtime to discuss your family pets, one of which you have actually only had for a month or more. After all, it is much easier to have a family pet silently put down if it makes a mess on electronic camera.

Being the offspring of a rich political dynasty is no reason for not sounding like a sharecropper. Remember: no one will resent you for being among the most fortunate people in America as long as you pronounce it „Ah-mur-ka.“ But Jenna, you can exaggerate the „typical touch,“ dear.

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Vorheriger ArtikelBetty Bowers at the Supreme Court
Nächster ArtikelChristian Advice

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