(WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Bush exposed today how he plans to designate the cash in Social Security’s „unlocked box“ not currently used to pay for his current taxpayer sweepstakes. The staying Social Security funds will be used to construct a multi-billion dollar National Satanic force Defense Shield that will secure Americans from the danger of foreign-launched incoming fiends. Mr. Bush’s choice to back the questionable job was available in response to the genuine Christian concern revealed by General Dynamics‘ Federal government Contracting division and feasibility research studies by creation scientists at Reverend Falwell’s Liberty University. „While numerous nonreligious scientists discount the idea of obstructing Satan’s satanic forces,“ stated Pat Robertson in response to the President’s choice, „the innovation is utilized in the Bible, so it must work. And aren’t these the very same so-called ’scientists‘ who laughed at our $40-billion program to build mid-priced condos in whales?“
The National Demon Defense Guard discovered immediate assistance in both the evangelical Christian neighborhood and the secular defense industry, a demographic whose unflinching financial support almost allowed Mr. Bush to be elected president. „While our business is getting roughly $200 every year from each and every single American taxpayer, what is the fulfillment of safeguarding our citizens from the weapons of death beyond them from rogue states when we can’t safeguard them from the couriers of death inside of them from Hell?“ asked Christopher E. Kubasik, CFO for Lockheed Martin, when meeting recently with Mr. Bush and the Joint Chiefs of Personnel. „We are talking, of course, about Satan’s innovative devil innovation, which is more of a strategic danger to national security than anything even those pet-eating North Koreans could come up with.“
While reckless, liberal-demographic-favoring census workers under-counted the demon population of this nation, the American Household Association knows that there are exactly112,504,883 illegal satanic forces presently living within our borders and bodies– over 80% living in opulence in two zip codes in New York and Los Angeles. „Really, when it pertains to unwanted aliens,“ said AFA President Donald Wildmon, „these demons are even worse than them Mexicans. For example, while Satan’s minions tend to follow a ’scorched earth‘ policy, those Mexicans can turn any patch of dry earth into a sensational flower bed prior to they break for a taco and tequila lunch.“
Given that the Gospel of Mark teaches that Satan’s satanic forces are strangely drawn in to pigs, the Satanic force Defense Shield will use 1,200 decoy pigs that Lockheed Martin will construct for $7,800,000 each. Half of these high-technology swine will be shot into space to lure inbound satanic forces away from America’s environment. The other half will be placed outside of Texaco filling station in case demons that sneak through on land pop in for directions, soda or to utilize the restroom.
Preliminary tests of the air-borne pigs have led to twelve concussions, one death, and a virulent case of trichinosis, however no validated laser-guided exorcisms. These so-called incidents, however, have not shaken the President’s solid willpower to progress with the pricey, Biblically-sound program. „That woman in Cincinnati, Mrs. Clairhopper,“ stated President Bush, „who got smashed into the walkway by that four-ton titanium pig that dropped on her head from 97,000 feet was not a set-back for the program at all. For one thing that little piggy was guaranteed. Unlike Mrs. Clairhopper. For another, the Department of Faith issued a memo that really afternoon to state that a mega-demon was probably hiding in Mrs. Clairhopper’s lower intestinal tracts, waiting on the light to alter. Good idea we got him. I say, score a triumph for our country’s super-cool, neat-o technology. And a thank you to American hero Mrs. Clairhopper of Cincinnati, Ohio. God bless you.“
Despite such issues, Pentagon researchers and government defense specialists ensured President Bush that the Devil Defense Guard has every chance of being just as reliable as its much more costly cousin, the Missile Defense Guard. „I do not believe there is any question,“ said Albert E. Smith, speaking from Lockheed Martin’s new $180 million Flying Titanium Animals plant, „that the innovation behind catching those damned demons is every bit as advanced and trustworthy as the stuff we’re going to come up with to obstruct those rogue missiles.“
During Bible study in the Oval Workplace on Thursday we relied on Mark 5:12 -13, where my preferred theorist, that Jesus person, tells us that, when it concerns things that get rid of devils, pigs are like little devil sponges. We are taught by the Lord that when looking for something to cast in front of swine, costly jewelry like pearls are not a great choice, but demons hit the spot.
— George W. Bush
Can you discriminate in between Betsy and the $7,800,000 decoy? Well neither will Satan!
The unchecked interest for the program by business lining up for demon defense contracts is shared by influential members of the American religious community. Christian leaders are pleased that, with the arrival of the Department of Faith, the government is getting included with spiritual warfare with an enthusiasm not seen given that the much-maligned Crusades. „You have to remember,“ stated Mrs. Betty Bowers, spiritual advisor to the First Family, „we are living on the cusp of the end. And we can’t depend on Jennifer Lopez to solitarily cause all of the indications of the Apocalypse. Gals, these are End Times. You understand, the Lord so loved the world, He is about to blow it up into a billion burning pieces. I suggest, when Jesus survives with this little planet of ours, He will have made what Timothy McVeigh did to that federal building in whatever-state-that-was look like light redecorating! You simply enjoy: When it pertains to weapons of mass destruction, the blood of the Lamb is going to be the plutonium of the Twenty-First Century. And we need to ensure that America begins stockpiling it right now.“
IN RELATED NEWS:
President Bush Relocations Missile Defense Shield Program from Pentagon to Department of Faith
After a series of disappointing tests of even the most simple components of the Missile Defense Shield, President Bush revealed today that he was moving the multi-billion dollar program to the recently formed Department of Faith. „Because faith is believing in something that either you can’t see or do not make a lick of sense,“ stated President Bush, „the idea that we can safeguard America from rockets with a sophisticated, untried bunch of stuff that drifts in space is a faith-based program if I ever became aware of one.“