(Tallahassee, Florida) America’s Finest Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, has announced plans to open a halfway house specifically for George and Barbara Bush’s grandchildren. „We wanted it to be readily available to others, but with the nursing lack, we are most likely going to be too hectic currently simply taking care of the sundry dependencies of America’s First Household of Politics,“ said Mrs. Bowers as she cut the ribbon. „Whereas White House resident Betty Ford opened a facility to keep Liza Minnelli off the street, this is a method of returning the favor by– lastly– offering a place for people in the White House to dry out.“
“ When I saw the mug shot of Noelle Bush on CNN I didn’t recognize her initially“ said Mrs. Betty Bowers on FOX News. „I instinctively asked my personal consumer Anne Thrope if all of our Christian Crack Whores in Tallahassee were represented. I remember encountering Noelle at the GOP convention in Philadelphia, but she didn’t have the glassy-eyed appearance of someone who pops curiously strong Xanax and Vicodin like Altoids. And believe me, as spiritual advisor to Laura Bush, that is an appearance I would have recognized. When Bar informed me to watch on the addict, I believed she was directing my attention to the podium for the approval speech. Fortunately, with Jenna and Barbara two seats away, I was keeping a close supervise my bag anyway. And we were all on edge after Liddy Dole’s bag– the oversize one covered in carpet– had actually been searched through. Nine of her charming little airline company bottles of Captain Morgan were missing prior to the invocation.“
Mrs. Bowers was surprised that Mrs. Betty Bowers Christian Fracture Slut Ministry, LLC (Cayman Islands) has no franchise in the financially rewarding „hillbilly area“ of Florida. „The truth that a person of the Bushes was captured attempting to get high would, of course, never ever raise an eyebrow among those of us who know them,“ said Mrs. Bowers. „But the awareness that I had actually missed a marketing opportunity to draw tithes from a family teeming with more junkies than the set of Pals, was really troubling to a Christian businesswoman such as myself!“
Mrs. Bowers right away picked up the phone and called Columba Bush. „I understood Columba because she runs a duty-free shop out of the back of her Mercedes. Katherine Harris had gotten a divine Louis Take 18 karat gold eye shadow mortar and pestle set from Columba and I ‚d gotten the most charming Cartier watches from her for a song 2 years back. Naturally, Mrs. Bush was extremely annoyed that the media were bring stories about her child going out to Wal-Mart to soothe her crank-high with a bucket of Xanax.“
“ One look at Jeb’s daughter Noelle’s mug shot and it is no surprise why she was looking for a fistful of Xanax,“ remarked Mrs. Bowers. „They are a dear, household in Christ and I would rather that they were all slung into a shallow tomb than state an unkind word about them, but I must say something out of Christian concern: Verily I say onto thee, she appears like a crack slut!“
Styling by Heidi Fleiss
Mrs. Betty Bowers raged over the attention Noelle’s arrest was receiving. „The liberal news programs are revealing their terrible ignorance of the conventions of society to even mention this trifle,“ stated Mrs. Bowers, luxuriating over a World War I Port at her cottage at the Pink Sands Hotel on Harbor Island. „When the wrongdoer is Republican, criminal offenses connected with either drugs or liquor are simply personal household matters. If, however, Chelsea Clinton, a Democrat, is seen even fingering the rim of a Cosmo in a club, it is newsworthy and proof-positive of moral malaise and shocking debauchery of liberals and their failure to raise children with good, that is Christian, values. Lots of in the media forget this fine, yet vital difference– and it is of acute inconvenience to GOP partners like sister-in-Christ Laura Bush, who have actually selected– simply out of curiosity– to raise harlots. However I’m glad we’ve had this opportunity to clear it up.“
With Jeb Bush’s boy George’s run-in for home damage, boy Jebby’s arrest for having sex in a mall parking area, daughter Noelle’s apprehension suggests that all of the Florida Guv’s offspring have had issues with the law. „My kids are sort of like me and my sibling the President,“ said Jeb Bush with a laugh. „They are genuine competitive. I guess Noelle was feeling sort of excluded– particularly after her cousins Jenna and Barbara got jailed in 2015. I tell you, it has never ever been easy to be a Bush and need to maintain. Nobody wishes to deal with those reunions in Kennebunkport looking like a goddamned goody-two-shoes. W has been arrested the one time we in fact talk about, however I believe Laura sort of set the standard for the entire household when she eliminated that young boy in high school. Never say never ever, however that is sort of a difficult one to leading! Although I came close one day when Columba came home from one of her shopping journeys to Paris!“ After a nervous silence and a furtive glance at his better half, Jeb included: „Joking!“.
