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I see that our gallant President has decided that it is taking far too long for Iraq to look like America. So he has chosen to meet them midway by making New Orleans appear like Baghdad. Only, possibly, he went too far, as New Orleans could only desire a lawless anarchy as dry as Iraq’s. And here I believed dear Katherine Harris and her faux-felon purge was the design for trimming the ballot lines of Democrats! Honestly, Katherine’s marvelous efforts to eliminate the registration lists of dubious liberals can’t compare the stunning indolence of FEMA in New Orleans. And while dead individuals may vote (especially in Ohio), they don’t show up in court to grumble about being pestered at the surveys. Glory!

Yes, it has actually been four long years since 9/11 (registered hallmark) and absolutely nothing has apparently been done in this nation to get ready for or help a disaster (a worrying reality that was amply proven on „Being Bobby Brown“). However I am getting significantly restless with liberals bellyaching that Katrina serves to underscore a lack of preparation on the part of our President.
On the contrary, dears: it reveals an arrangement that works much like it is supposed to not work! You see, Mr. Bush carefully cut the budgets for emergency action agencies and the rebuilding of levees in New Orleans to pay for our efforts to establish an Islamic theocracy in Iraq (and to send emergency tax relief to desperate individuals not nearly as liquid as New Orleans, frantically clinging to billions tied up in real estate and dripping stock portfolios). Who was to fill the gap, impertinent fact-obsessed individuals ask? Well, American’s spiritual corporations, mouths agape under the bounteous spigots of tax-dollars flowing to faith-based initiated! That is why FEMA lists Brother-in-Christ (and assassination cheerleader) Pat Robertson’s extremely own Operation True blessing as one of the top places you should think of when sending dollars to help poor people being devoured by rats in New Orleans. Say what you will about Sibling Pat, however he knows how to loot without getting wet! Splendor!

The small snag with relying on churches to fill the gap left by a federal government too preoccupied with the testosterone of waging war abroad to succumb to the girly impulse of feeding those left at home, is that the churches with the most cash didn’t get that way by turning it over to those in need. Indeed, in a novel twist on Scripture, a lot of American Christian mega-churches have been called by the Lord Jesus to get money from the bad– not the other way around. This is precisely why it was the nonreligious Astrodome in Houston, not Joel Osteen’s new 16,000-seat indoor arena (previous house of the Houston Firecrackers) that tossed open its doors to the poor and clingy. After all, an arena full of poor people with diseases would just mess up the bottom line by keeping out rich individuals with tithes. Besides, who wants a lot of water-logged black individuals leaking all over the current $75,000,000 restoration? Not Jesus!

Let me take a minute to join President Bush in applauding his administration’s inerrant efforts in reaction to Hurricane Katrina. The administration’s initial, rather crafty action was a calmness that absently flirted with disinterest, so as not to let the water understand that it had won. A still-vacationing W strummed a guitar (noticable „git-tawr“) while New Orleans burned. No, that was Rome: New Orleans drowned. And Condoleezza Rice, always the go-to gal for feigning obliviousness with alarming verisimilitude, went shoe shopping in New York for a kicky little something to use to laugh herself to death at Spamalot. As she might have told Louisiana children passing away without needed medications in the Ninth Ward, had she really existed to speak with them: „Do not worry about not having penicillin, kiddies. As any rich Broadway cognoscenti will tell you – laughter is really the best medicine! Do not touch the Ferragamos!“

Following Condi’s constantly exemplary coolness in the face of disaster (which she seems to have actually appropriated from Terri Schiavo), our handsome President hasn’t lacked solutions to the current crisis. Why, just today he offered the sage and innovative idea: „If you don’t require gas, don’t buy it.“ Presto– problem resolved! (Well, for that a person lady out in Indianapolis who doesn’t drive.) In fact, a better recommendation would have been: „Instead of losing money on gas, utilize the cash to purchase gas stock rather because when it comes to making the best out of a crisis, nobody comes close to America’s oil companies. Yee-haw!“ Or, even better, sell the lumber from what utilized to be your house in Biloxi on E-bay and utilize the few dollars you get to purchase Halliburton stock. Shares in that company, which Penis Cheney still gets cash from, cost $8.60 in 2002. The other day, they struck $63.44. Don’t inform me the Lord doesn’t turn lemons in to lemonade! Splendor!

Of course, the first concern of our proactive President was to do what the White House always does to fix any issue: schedule a panacean photo-op! So, 4 long days after Katrina struck, President Bush stood in Mobile prior to news video cameras, looking like what he thought a worried person would look like. America saw in heartened triumph as the head of FEMA told Mr. Bush that the water that immersed New Orleans had actually arrived because something called „levees“ had actually broken. Who understood? Here it is Friday, and it is such a pleasure to see as somebody finally shows Mr. Bush what the rest of us understood (and, apparently, were selfishly keeping to ourselves) all week.

Now, the only thing left for we Christians to do is to decide the most crucial issue: who exactly was the caring Lord trying to kill with Katrina? While a lot of my fellow right-wing Christians quarrel over whether it was a Terrific Flood aimed at homosexuals or abortionists, I think one thing is clear: when it comes to bad black people without food or drinkable water, the Lord has quite an axe to grind.

Well, all I can state is if a terrorist blows up Chicago or a significant earthquake decimates Los Angeles, make sure you have batteries in your flashlights and discover to drink sewage with a smile due to the fact that the Bush administration is otherwise sidetracked, dismissive and indifferent, dears. You’re on your own. Welcome to the brand-new, every-man-for-himself America! Glory!

So near Jesus, I can be driven to Crawford, Texas without even seeing the inconveniently mewling mother my SUV limousine is sprinkling with mud,

Mrs. Betty Bower

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