Dear Soldiers for the Child Jesus:
Once again, pagan contenders, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a vacation got into and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago.
Pals, we took December fair and square– and are going to remain the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to like and joy into an vitriolic grass war everything about us!
As America’s foremost ingrained press reporter in the current War on Christmas, I am sending this encrypted message to you from the front lines: Macy’s.
The very first shopping skirmish of the season occurred when my Personal Consumer found nonreligious insurgents maraudering behind the Estee Lauder counter. I personally overheard several of these „Delighted Holidays“ extremists, uniformed in the Lauder infantry’s blue, paramilitary smocks, boldly declare a jihad on the Child Jesus‘ birthday. As I feigned interest in an egregiously harloty shade of bright red lipstick, I overheard the cosmetics militia chant such bellicose, Christmas-hating greetings as „Have a fantastic holiday!“ to civilian buyers. They also displayed IEDs (initial exfoliating devices) to Christian structure buyers, Bible-believing bargain hunters simply looking for a Christmas present that came totally free with a $35 purchase.
Minutes later, bell-ringing infantry from the Salvation Army were hired to hush the battle cries of „Ho! Ho! Ho!“ from a sidewalk Santa. This intrusion appears to have actually been based upon malfunctioning intelligence as it turns out that the Santa shouting „Ho! Ho! Ho!“ was simply welcoming Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as they drunkenly stumbled out of Neiman-Marcus. Before Baptist mercenaries recognized this mistake, mad Pentecostal militia had currently rounded up striped-stockinged enemy combatants (pint-sized operatives calling themselves „elves“). They were battled to the ground just outside of their bunker, a Styrofoam gingerbread house in Bloomingdale’s window.
Yes, pals, this year’s War on Christmas has been the most mad and dangerous yet. Numerous buyers‘ eyes were taken out as called-up shopoholic reservists from Landover Baptist Church carpet bombed mall parking lots with „Jesus is the Factor for 40% Off Selected Product“ Bible tracts.
Bill O’Reilly and I carried out a reconnaissance mission to undercover anti-Christmas propaganda militants. Vacation hostilities started after I resourcefully utilized a „Noel“ candle light from Pottery Barn (which Costs mistook for a candy-striped pagan homage to Jeb Bush’s crackwhore daughter) to fire up a dreadful „Peace in the world“ banner dangling just outside a notorious secular fortress called Sephora. As Costs jumped up and down on the flaming banner, he yelled at frightened eye-shadow and fragrance web browsers, „Peace in the world? You can take your anti-troops, anti-Bush, pinko pacifistic agitprop and shove it right up your–“
Fortunately, a resourceful spritz of „Hillary Duff with Love“ Eau de Parfum Spray not just prevented Bill from finishing his proctologic entreaty, it likewise caused so much collateral damage to onlooker buyers that „Hillary Duff with Love“ has actually changed Polonium-210 as my favorite disabling spray throughout our present campaign to retake the fur department at Saks for Jesus.
As all of you arm yourselves for CHRISTmas shopping this season, know that your comrade-in-arms, Mrs. Betty Bowers, is with you in the AMEX-accepting trenches. Your Commander-in-Cashmere desires all of you a joyous Infant Jesus Day and asks you to stay vigilant versus secular uprisings, such as shockingly impolite cards that wish so-called „nice“ things without catering your particular brand of faith. And an unique word of cautioning to you lady shoppers out there: Keep an eye out for Pastor’s infamously inaccurate missile-toe!
So Near Jesus, I Still Haven’t Forgiven Him For Stretching Out Last Christmas’s Lovely Elie Tahari Paulo Sweater By Allowing The Entire Trinity To Try It On All At Once,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
America’s Finest Christian