So, our Personal Hero was a no-show at the Centuries. Before you reproach Him for ruining your apocalyptic covered-dish, his disinclination to make his Second Coming at the stroke of midnight makes best sense to those people attuned to his vain peccadilloes. Jesus has actually been preparing his return for 2000 years now! And while He is not without fabulous unique results at his disposal, I think even He would yield that 4 horsemen and a whore (whether from Babylon or Reno) on New Year’s Eve could never ever have taken on what the French did to the Eiffel Tower. Besides, everyone was anticipating Him at the end of 1999 and deities are well-known for defying mortal expectation. If Jesus wanted to just do what is entirely predictable, He would have a situation comedy on the WB.
Instead of being cause to sulk, however, this reprieve provides a splendid chance to for each of you to be proactive in planning your afterlife. Sure, you’ve considered where you want to go (in addition to where you desire some others to go), however have you given sufficient factor to consider to your lodgings as soon as you arrive? Most likely not. Well, now there is no longer a reason not to put down a deposit on a room in the hereafter. After some tenacious cajoling on my part of God’s rather reactionary IT seraphim, Paradise is– lastly– online.
No longer do you have to wait up until a bus strikes you, a hangnail turns wickedly septic or you are cornered in a blind alley by an afflict of locusts to slake your interest about whether you are going to Heaven. News of your after-death location now comes with the click of a mouse, doing away with the energy misusing and unnecessarily extravagant „bright lights at the end of a tunnel“ regular heretofore popular with the Lord. Through proprietary software and secured Java Scripts, the Almighty has enabled you to discover your fate as quickly as you erase forwarded „joke of the day“ emails from individuals you hardly know. Naturally, if He were a genuinely merciful God, we would never ever have actually gotten such e-mails in the first place, however it is not ours to question why. Regrettably, this on-line Apocalyptic Travel service is not offered for connection speeds of less than 56kps or noticeable in specific browsers as even the Lord doesn’t have the perseverance to debug a Microsoft item.
Why has God resorted to human computer systems to herald your fate? There merely aren’t adequate angels to supply the type of personalized service God had actually initially prepared (especially after Lucifer’s attempted coup, which was far more successful than shown in Heaven’s news release). To be honest, God never ever prepared to let there be rather many of us to process into eternity. He exterminated the majority of us throughout Noah’s time with water and liked the absence of pesky prayers so much He prepared to ruin us regularly with the remaining components. He ended up being, nevertheless, a bit preoccupied in another galaxy. It has its extremely own Bible that is even more outrageous than our own. Well, almost. During the last leap-lightyear, those remote souls divided into 2 contentious spiritual factions (the „hxpked“ and the „un-hxpked“), contested who was more „kxpked,“ and killed each other off in a holy war to convert the un-hxpked. God has actually discovered all of them appropriate lodgings in Hell. So, the Lord has now turned his wandering attention back to our little world and is ready to process human post-breath schedules.
Below you can make travel plans for the suitable location. You will have the ability to chose either Heaven or Hell, depending upon your predetermined fate. God knows where you are going. And so does Mrs. Bowers. Now, you will be let in on what God and I have actually been gossiping about! Bon voyage!